A New Year approaches....and I said I wasn't going to have a New Year's resolution...but I lied.
There are things I know I need to work on, and now is the best time to start a path of rejuvenation.
I already have trust issues, but as always they have been tested and broken...
I tend to hold grudges which in turn makes it hard to forgive someone....
In order to grow and move on, I can't allow all of those things to exist in my mind and spirit.
All it will do is continue to grow and destroy anything I'm trying to build or rebuild.
It causes me to cling to the past hurts, and place them in the future instead of focusing on the present and making the best of that.
Throws my paranoia into overdrive, expecting every little thing is the start of a bigger picture that will in turn hurt me.
No one is exempt.....friends....significant others...shit even family members get this treatment.
In my mind it seems fair because if it weren't for their actions, I wouldn't be in this state and feel the need to go through all these extremes that follow...
..but its not fair to them for me to hold it over their head and see that everytime I see or think of them. No amount of effort to make things right will start the healing if all I allow them to be is their mistake or downfall..
All these grudges do is hurt me....by doing my best to make the other person feel the pain they gave me I'm still just hurting myself more picking at the wound.
I have to work on forgiving fully...not half way....
But as everyone knows trust is a very serious thing. You take months even years to build up a certain level of trust where you just KNOW shit is cool...and in one moment all that time and hard work means nothing.
That hurts...and for me its really not an easy thing to recover from because trust and honesty mean A LOT to me...because for the most part that's all anyone really has is their word....
And the fact I'm honest to the point I don't even mean to tell people everything I'm thinking but I do it anyway whether they like it/wanna hear it/ care or not - is like a slap in the face.....
That whole treat others how you would want to be treated, If I fuck with you - thats what I try my best to do...and if that's not reciprocated in all forms...thats an insult to our entire purpose/relationship.
....its not all about me though...sure that's how I feel - but sometimes....you just gotta forgive and move on....
