Oh Yeah!!

Rejuvenation....

Short-Lived? - Maybe
Worthwhile? - Always

N.C. is becoming more of a reality than I believed it could be.
My only setback is blatantly knowing that my ex's girlfriend lives there...
...in some ways it could seem like I'm doing that shit on purpose - but in all reality I've been tryna continue my journey back to the south since before I even met that nigga...so it doesn't hold weight but, I know how perception is...

either way - I think I have my sissy on my side to do it with me

Talking to her today made me rememeber how much I used to enjoy blogging....how much I sometimes miss home....the friendships I gained right before I moved away to almost 'damage' them...
But such is life
Now life is opening new things for me...
I'm thinking more of the future than I ever have..

All of this came from not being in the Holiday spirit...
Inspiration comes from the strangest places....
...Return of The Mack...?
You Know That I'll Be Back....

...How Does It Feel

I was sitting in my living room with a couple friends....one of them was spilling her soul out about how terrible her most recent boyfriend just treated her and why they're breaking up.

He was previously married, they were in the workings of getting a divorce and in the meanwhile - he found and fell for her. They moved in together and everything - she was head over heels for every and anything pertaining to that man. Then - as always everything changed. Joking about being pregnant became a reality. That wife he wanted to leave so badly is now the apple of his eye and she is left in the middle taking all the stray shots plus the direct hits from him. Now because the divorce didn't go through its time to "work on things". The pain she endured mentally and physically I can't imagine...all I can say is "I'm sorry you had to go through that..." and lend a supporting ear...

I then sit and think of how...in my own life - I'm currently that ex wife. Hurting people I don't even know because of the decisions of a mutual individual. I'm not as bound to this nigga as she was....but it's just as sick how the past that you think you left can turn around and bite you and everyone involved in the ass.

I didn't ask for this.
I don't want to be hurt.
Karma is a very real bitch.
I'm sorry for any pain my memory or presence has caused.
And this is where we say goodbye...

...Black Friday

...I've never shopped on Black Friday..

I didn't see the purpose in it...getting trampled by crazy people just to get beat up over a few electronics that will become obsolete in a few months - fuck that

But....with online shopping counting for Black Friday sales - I believe I'm going to be all over that shit while I'm at work. I want a few electronics to furnish rooms and THAT would be the perfect time to cash in on those sales.

Electronics don't really bother me tho...I've had the same phone for maybe 3 years. I know the Blackberry isn't even 'cool' anymore - but it serves its purpose with me. 

I JUST got a PS3 - because of the Blu Ray and bootleg CD playback.

One of my boos went into Best Buy and went thee entire fuck off with gigs and TV quality and shit that I don't even know the meaning of....so I know I'm missing a lot as far as great quality...but I know I'm taking advantage of the shit this year

My main bitch devised this plan with me that we'd both buy shit from Best Buy and exchange it during work hours just to make them hating hoes gag - that would KILL...but that's not what its all about...we owe each other presents anyway

Whiskey is kicking in - night night

...The Way We Were

...last time I went back to Philly to visit, I realized - there's nothing left for me....besides my family of course

Every time I leave the city starting back with me going to New Orleans for school - I lose a person or a purpose to go back.

As the years went on my circle got smaller....Visiting was more fun than staying...

I miss the days of strolling through the hood and knowing everyone...finding fun in doing something there..WANTING to go out cause it was fun...but I don't get that thrill anymore...I lived and breathed that place....now I'm just proud to be from there

I went home in October and only saw one friend and stayed maybe 2 hours.....we're not on the same wavelength anymore....She's still the same nigga chasing hoodrat she was in high school...only difference is she's got a son to protect now.

My most recent best friend I don't even talk to because she resents me for moving away to find work. She would never fully admit it but she would never visit me when I invited her....even offered to pay for it - no budge. When I confronted her about it after she stood me up for my birthday - which we never miss - she had no real excuse....I wanted to go see her while I was home - but pride and knowledge wouldn't allow that....

My sissy doesn't even live in Philly anymore....she's up in the woods of Millersville or East bumblefuck like it, and she's OT working and learning like a muthafucka....so unless I was up for a minute or we caught the same weekend in the city - I wouldn't see her either

All the other niggas I know are either dead or in jail....

I love my city, really hope that God bless it....but I always knew I'd never stay there - I just miss the way we were

...My Mine

I didn't like her at first....didn't find anything special about her songs off first listen....but I also wasn't listening....

Then - this song played in my car [the haven where most songs go from obsolete to epic] ....and every once in awhile it appears in my head by itself.

She's come a long way from spelling words all through her songs with No Love

I can relate sometimes....

 

All of the time i cant forget to - try to forget you in my mine....
What do I care for? You are not there anymore....I was not careful, and it's all your fault -  you let me fall
What are you here for if you're not there when I call...?

...Favorite Song Of The Moment

The theme song to Luther on BBC

...I just liked the feel of it....then I played it in my car VERY loud....and stared at the sky [random] and I'm mildly obsessed with it....I don't see how someone could NOT like it seriously...

It's a British Trip Hop Band that's been out since late eighties - early nineties. Off this one song I've downloaded every single one of their albums and collabs and such and I like em....

:: Paradise Circus - Massive Attack ::

It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm,
we can roll ourselves over 'cause we're uncomfortable

Oh well the devil makes us sin

But we like it when we're spinning, in his grin.

...Long Time No Type

...still a Maryland resident...

got yet ANOTHER job....in August...and making it do what it do so far

I've made some friends I enjoy the company of very much - doesn't hurt they're also my co-workers as well. I'm doing better at not being completely ANTI, which is my default setting usually

I have developed a strange but satisfying addiction to string cheese - don't ask....I just love it

The love of my life Idrissa Elba has this show called Luther on BBC - LOVES IT....caught it On Demand at like 4 in the morning [don't ask] and watched all the episodes so far

I've FINALLY gotten into Dexter ...shit is insane and addictive

I'm back on my flippant - say whatever thee fuck pops in my head with no regard - kinda shit with everyone now....no point having couth since I'm not tryna impress anyone but rather force them to see how I act on the regular - take it or leave it hoe.

I still love my Eagles even tho The Dream Team is giving me nightmares....

I've been slacking off on "real" blogging by using Tumblr - but my sissy Titi was talking about bloggers the other day and was listing the ones she likes...and among the dope writers she put ME *tear* ...mind you I haven't done shit in months - but the fact someone still cares/pays attention made me say "I need to get back on the ball...I may not have some major fan base - but there are some people who care about what I may have to say...*shrug* - I fucks with it

..that enough of my recap....I'll be entertaining again soon enough...

...Growth

...It's hard but it's necessary...
My New Years Resolution was forced into play right when the year began and I can feel the change.

All my hurts, I'm letting them go...slowly - but surely...they're doing no good with me
I had Bilal's "Airtight's Revenge" album and :: Slowly Surely - Jill Scott :: on repeat for a month and some change

I decided in turn I'm just gonna show and spread more love, even to those that caused the pain.
Being hateful and spiteful would do nothing but focus my energy on them which should be focused on me and my well being....and then still be hurting in the end....no REAL satisfaction would come. By continuing to do right I'll be better...

I'm in no way going to pretend I am healed of all malicious thoughts and feelings....this can take many years to completely manifest itself as a habit...but I'm trying - that's all I can do
For now, I think I'm doing a good job

...Trust...Forgiveness....Moving On

A New Year approaches....and I said I wasn't going to have a New Year's resolution...but I lied.

There are things I know I need to work on, and now is the best time to start a path of rejuvenation.

I already have trust issues, but as always they have been tested and broken...

I tend to hold grudges which in turn makes it hard to forgive someone....

In order to grow and move on, I can't allow all of those things to exist in my mind and spirit.

All it will do is continue to grow and destroy anything I'm trying to build or rebuild.

It causes me to cling to the past hurts, and place them in the future instead of focusing on the present and making the best of that.

Throws my paranoia into overdrive, expecting every little thing is the start of a bigger picture that will in turn hurt me.

No one is exempt.....friends....significant others...shit even family members get this treatment.

In my mind it seems fair because if it weren't for their actions, I wouldn't be in this state and feel the need to go through all these extremes that follow...

..but its not fair to them for me to hold it over their head and see that everytime I see or think of them. No amount of effort to make things right will start the healing if all I allow them to be is their mistake or downfall..

All these grudges do is hurt me....by doing my best to make the other person feel the pain they gave me I'm still just hurting myself more picking at the wound.

I have to work on forgiving fully...not half way....

But as everyone knows trust is a very serious thing. You take months even years to build up a certain level of trust where you just KNOW shit is cool...and in one moment all that time and hard work means nothing.

That hurts...and for me its really not an easy thing to recover from because trust and honesty mean A LOT to me...because for the most part that's all anyone really has is their word....

And the fact I'm honest to the point I don't even mean to tell people everything I'm thinking but I do it anyway whether they like it/wanna hear it/ care or not - is like a slap in the face.....

That whole treat others how you would want to be treated, If I fuck with you - thats what I try my best to do...and if that's not reciprocated in all forms...thats an insult to our entire purpose/relationship.

....its not all about me though...sure that's how I feel - but sometimes....you just gotta forgive and move on....

...Seriously...?

That was smooth as shit on the one teams part..but really....you know its a game - you just gonna let a nigga walk through the line of scrimmage?...whether he running or not...you should be playing your position...hit that nigga....and by the time they realized it - he was gone lmao

...I Be On My Philly Shit

Besides having a mild obsession with Young Chris....living away from home - helps me miss it and appreciate it more....I rep it hard as shit cause I get offended if people believe I'm from Maryland....and once people are around me long enough they tend to recognize I'm not like these people out here.
But...put my Philly representing self blended with my love of Young Chris is this video

...Everyone's Getting Married - I'm Getting Drunk

I've noticed a lot of people I went to high school with have settled down and gotten married. It was nothing for them to have kids, everybody but maybe two people I was cool with is a mother/father...but marriage is different. Now I saw the trend happen first with all of my caucasian friends....didn't reallly efeect me that much because I almost expect that from them....but recently, I guy I went to school with since probably kindergarten just got married to his high school sweetheart I presume. He's a 24 year old black man. I only point that out because that doesn't happen to often....at least I haven't witnessed it anyway. 

Talking to my one co-worker, her and her husband just got married about a year ago but had been together about 12 years prior. To me, that's an achievement in itself but in my mind I'm always thinking "let's see them 20-40 years from now"

Everyone claims they've fallen in love at one point or another...

People even believe they've found the ONE and go through with a marriage 

But with high divorce rates....just because they go through with it doesn't mean they're going to stick with it.

I always say I doubt I'll get married....only because if I do, I don't believe in divorce/getting married multiple times. If I change my last name and vow before God, my family and friends you're the one - that's it. You're stuck with me until death do us part even if it means we have to kill each other. 

If I get married I want to make sure it's established that we can get along and through any situation. I want my best friend and lover all wrapped into one lovely package and I'd want him to feel the same way about me. I've seen all three sides of marriage. 

My Grammy and her husband were together since she was 16 in Greenville, S.C.. Had her only son at 18. Gramps called a white man a cracker almost got killed and they ran away to D.C., opened up a bar and made money together. Finally settled in Philadelphia, bought a house and survived together. There were times they couldn't stand each other....I mean one Sunday she got mad he went to church without her because she wasn't dressed yet and shot the man in the leg. He didn't press charges or moved out. She nursed his wounds and they went on about their business. They were together until Gramps died in 87 and now they're together again once Grammy died in 2007.

My own parents....met in college and despised each other. My dad called her an uppity bitch and she hit him with an umbrella. Somehow the two found something in each other that lasted until they got married in 83. Summer of 86 they had me....during my younger years I knew of them through visits, so I didn't experience their relationship head on...but I knew they'd go on trips together every year and always seemed happy. Older I got the more I noticed the space between them whether intentional or not. Sleeping in different rooms....barely any communication unless its deemed necessary....and I'm almost the middle man at times relaying the message between the two in hopes they gain a better understanding of how the other feels. How are you a couple but you can't even talk to each other? To me that doesn't even seem like a marriage....its an arrangement of convenience now....they both need each other to maintain their lifestyle, and after all these years - what's the point of moving on now?

My aunt....the free spirit, never has a problem getting a man but they never stick around for long. She's been married multiple time....at least 4. Numerous boyfriends throughout the years and as the internet got more popular she even started using online dating sites since her main focus became her work and her billiards hobby. I even called her out on it one time to say she had a new boyfriend fro every holiday she'd come to Philly and visit....and we'll see if this one lasts past Christmas or New Years. Finally at 50, she's married again to a man we all hope lasts til the end. They seem to have a relationship that works, they've built a great life for themselves and overall seem happy together even when they have their little disagreements, because she's opinionated and he's a lawyer.

Out of all the examples, of course the ideal I'm after is the one my grandparents had. Regardless of what happened they were there for each other. Hatred could boil to the point of wanting to kill each other but they got through it went to bed and woke up like it never happened. It's that genuine type of relationship where you're always willing to make it work...because that's what marriage is....work. Just because you get married the hard part isn't over...that's when it begins. You have to fight daily to make sure the feelings you came in with stay alive....never getting comfortable or just being assured that because you got this ring that all there is and there's nowhere else to go. Everybody now thinks the moment they can't come to an agreement or get along it's time to seperate....

Unless it's drastically unhealthy/unsafe for the both of them...maybe the two should sit down and try to determine how they got to that point and work on it from there. Even if they need to talk to a counselor or therapist so the middle man can assist in smoothing the conversation down - it can help. Arguing isn't gonna help....and nagging won't make anyone listen...

Ah well...I'm rambling....just some thoughts since I am getting up there in age and that point in life is surrounding me.

If it's meant to be it'll happen, but those involved gotta be willing to continue to work at it too

...Random Song Of The Moment

Had an interesting week....unexpected turbulence happening.

Given the situation, this song fit how I felt

Last time I felt that way I was in college and sat in my room and cried with this and Donny Hathaway "Giving Up" on repeat in my headphones in the dark.

...I wasn't that distraught this time around - but the feelings were the same

Besides the sad feelings, this is one of my favorite songs by this duo

 If I Was A Bird - Floetry

"...if I was the sky I'd let it rain - to wash away the pain..."