...Minor Changes

Sooo....exactly one month after I'm hired - I quit.

I'm still employed tho!

I was granted the opportunity to work for the same company just at a closer location.

Once I recognized my everyday commute was going to be no less than an hour and maybe more depending on traffic, I knew something needed to be done.

A co-worker who recently was hired by the facility informed me of the job opening and I immediately jumped on the chance. So today, is my official last day working in Baltimore....good riddance anyway.

I've gone through more drama in this month working there than I have in almost my enitre life in Philly lol.

My car been broken into twice, stole my Ipod and some money, some crazy man in a Dodge Ram tried to run me off the road into a median, an armed car robbery in progress decided to ride by shooting at cops that were trying to help me...like WTF

I though home was crazy...these niggaz out here are on some other shit for real....these streets ain't no joke....get you a White House and ya'll go bizerk and shit

But whatever....this new job will only be 30 minutes away which is a blessing, cuts my commute time in half and now majority of my day won't be wasted by driving - AMEN

Now I'll be able to fully experience this new area I'm in and possibly appreciate it more since I'll actually have time to enjoy it.

Hopefully this will also allow me to do this more....I miss my randomness on here, even if nobody else cares

...It Only Took EXACTLY 5 Months

...5 months to the day I got fired [January 11th, 2010] I got the phone call that has now changed the life I knew. I'm happily no longer unemployed *hip hip hooray* I also no longer live in Philly......

Today started my new journey as a Maryland resident. I work in Baltimore and reside in Accokeek.

I'm very thankful for this opportunity.

Alot of people I know have gone up to and over a year without a job, I feel blessed to have gotten one in such a short amount of time especially with the way the economy has been iffy in certain places like Philly.

I'm glad I was determined enough to be employed I took the chance to apply out of state.

I'm thankful for my family who are allowing me to stay with them and helping me get on my feet out here

I'm blessed to have friends that although they were sad to see me go, are glad to watch me succeed

And I'm lucky to have a boyfriend who only wants the best for me and thinks more on that than his own personal gain from this situation.

Since I came back home from New Orleans, I started to feel like I'd probably never be able to get back out of Philly. I love my city to death, but it surely isn't where I want to spend my entire life. My current job if it goes well and as I hope/plan I will be able to see the world and [if I have one] can take my family with me. I can see myself getting into a situation where I'll be comfortable which is my number one goal for myself.

Today was the first day of my new future....let's see how far this goes...

...What He Really Meant To Say...

If I could write a million songs
To show you that my feelings strong - I wouldn’t hesitate
You ain’t gotta designate me to a stringent title
Our living cycle’s too short for boundaries
And too often shit ain’t what we make it out to be
So I don’t want you feeling like I want you bound to me
It’s just that unexplainable part of you that brings something outta me
Or should I say holds my mouth closed tighter than Prince’s
Your smile or how your golden brown skin tone shines and it glistens
…a diamond…
That have knee high children inside mines digging
Priced as expensive as a life, the type of gleam some niggas die for
The type of Queen that I’m tryna provide for
But not in terms of dropping something in your pocket
More like a promise
That we’ll stay climbing
Even when there’s a jagged edge, we always stay solid
To be honest feels like its damn near destiny and I ain’t tryna Run from it like Hollis
Through the process of tryna find one to rock wit
I ran across some zirconias
Artificial, synthetic types
Time’a reveal they ain’t real if you shed the light

I ain’t one to get intimidated
But around you my brain in a different place
Make it hard for a wordsmith to articulate
Sit awake, tryna figure out the reason why you leave me speechless
I’m usually distinguished
Composed, cool and debonair
But I’m moving on a whole other level here
Feels like I’m treading air
Or flying
30,000 feet and rising
Til I’m subconsciously reminded that I ain’t a pilot
Simply put, I wouldn’t try it if I was right minded
Don’t make sense and I can’t describe it
So I write it
Hoping that you get it
And see the sincerity of what I’m saying as I spit it
I sent it from my heart to your ears, hope you listening
And comprehend that whatever needs fulfilling
Nothing I wouldn’t do, I’m Willing and Able
Even though scrambled eggs are fucking disgusting, I’d put in them minutes in the kitchen
To fix em
Plus cheese grits with extra butter, biscuits
And waffles with that strawberry topping shit just for one of your kisses
Hopefully it’s clear I ain’t tryna shaft you…can you dig it?
This ain’t no Pulp Fiction
I ain’t Sam or Tarrantino…naw
But in you I see That Girl that same girl Stevie saw…and if you ain’t her, ya’ll share a striking resemblance
…Very Superstitious

..."Hustle Now, Relax Later"

School just started Monday. I take an online class and an in house class with some early morning labs...sounds easy right?

Add on a full time day time job, and two 'by appointment' part time jobs [one up from last semester] it actually can get pretty hectic...more than I anticipated when I piled it all on. There's plenty of people who have a lot more to take on, but this is mine and its already seeming crazy after a few days. I'll get used to it - of course, just now its like..."OMG leave me alone already!!!!"

I got people I need to call or call back but I can't do it while at work because they're probably at work or class as well or its busy...same for when I'm in class. [..Probably explains why I became so fond of texting..] But I luv them tho, and its the thought that counts - right? Lol

Then I get home at like 11 with a whirlwind of things to do and not much time to do it since I must wake up again by 6 or 730 to start the day again ....blah to it all!

Yea, I'm bitching...so what. I'll just be happy when this becomes more routine than a run around and I'll get to have a life outside of work & school again. I also keep up with going to the gym atleast 2 or 3 times a week usually on M,W, & weekends.

This time next month I'll have this in the bag and I'll be back to roaming the streets and reeking havoc on all unsuspecting locations and individuals all while finishing my work :) I'm hoping I can maintain an A and make a deal to pass out of my class early like last semester...that would rule

...The hustle is crazy, but somebody's gotta do it. Can't make money sitting still...
-Ashley

...I Graduated High School Almost 5 Years Ago

......so why at work does it feel like I'm still there?

In an environment full of "adults," why do I feel like the only mature person. It would appear the only thing these people have on me are years and experience. But if this is the behavior rendered from that, they must not of experienced much and those years have been wasted.

What I was always taught is it was ALL about your work: your ethic, how efficiently and quickly you can finish a task, and your consistency in doing so.

Now jobs have morphed into popularity contests with no regard to anyones knowledge, but more so who's ass you can kiss, who has made the most friends and you gain recognition & status by those standards...kinda sorta like high school.

The cool kids would be upper management and back office while everyone else is just dying to join their club....pffft - please.

I don't get a job to make friends. I get a job because I have to. I need to make money, pay bills, make a life for myself and fit into society's mold for how life should go. If I so happen to find people who have similar interests or I can enjoy joking with while on the clock...cool. If I don't...cool, makes me no difference at all. And since this is just a JOB and not my CAREER...it makes it even less of an issue.

What makes a difference to me is being recognized for a job well done, living up to the expectations you place on others, fufilling the goals that were written agreements, and rightfully moving the proper people into higher positions...
Apparently, I've learned none of that goes on in the workplace.

The ones who do the least amount of work, and hardly have a clue about the job they have now but kiss up the most get all the support in the world, but the ones who focus and do their work, learn all they can about their position and execute it with precision everytime but have no desire to have a brown spot on their nose gets overlooked.

I hear some people say that sometimes its needed, but personally nothing is that great I'd lower myself to make you feel superior just because you got some gay ass title you made up.

With my experience with this one current job, it's slowly teaching me even more to not let people get to me...never let them sense they're getting to me - never let em see you sweat. I have a bad problem with my facial expressions which is a dead giveaway, I've gotten better at keeping my mouth shut when I have an attitude though.

By talking to my dad who is my guru to help me calm down he helped me realize, this isn't the last time this is going to come about, and everytime it does I just have to let it roll of my back. Take it as a sign that it wasn't meant for me to have and move on. Notice that the person they're pushing for a position who probably isn't as qualified will get themselves fired for not being able to handle the position and be able to say "I told you so."
To recognize that you won't elevate in this particular place because your destiny is greater than anything this place could ever offer.

I refuse to be this organizations victim - especially when iit isn't what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. I will not let them stress me out with their petty bullshit when I have enough on my plate. I'll continue to look out for my number one which is ME. What I will take from this place are a few life lessons that I will put into action for the better in my next endeavor.

You won't trip me up that easy. As the years pass shit happens and I'm truly gonna learn from it. I refuse to fail...and I will never, I will never, I will never FALL!!

...Long Time No See

Ashley UPDATE

I've been slacking on most things internet based since the weather started warming up. This year I have a terrible (but wonderful) case of what I like to call Spring Fever. Once the weather gets warm I get this undying urge to be outside. It makes not one bit of difference where I am, where I'm going, and who is with me just as long as I'm outside soaking up the sunshine and the warmth that comes along with it. It's usually the worst on weekends when I go out on Friday night and come back Saturday or Sunday around 10am (LOL) .
My family notices it too. My dad always knew I'd occasionally disappear so he doesn't really worry much, but now my mom notices and seems like she really cares & I think she even misses me *shocked face*. She was talking to my Aunt Sheila and she asked how I was, my mom says "She's doing fine I think, I hardly ever see her because she's always running the streets." I personally don't think I do too bad, not like I go out EVERY night...just most of them. I see nothing wrong with it, as long as the weather is nice, somebody has somewhere they want me to go, & I have something to wear - I leave. And what makes it even better is everything I've done so far has been FREE. I'm 21 going on 22, I should be having all sorts of fun regardless of the consequence of work the next day. I'll have to work pretty much everyday for the rest of my life until I retire, so that isn't gonna be an excuse to keep me in the house.
If the way I'm acting this way in SPRING...I'm not even gonna think about what may occur this summer. This should be interesting....

Yesterday was the Democratic primaries. Yes I voted *dust my shoulders off*. I did my duty and paid my debt to society - so yay me.

My cousin Vonnie is getting married!!! I'm so happy for her. AND I'm a bridesmaid which is awesome. That will be the first wedding I'm apart of so that should be cool. I was gonna be apart of my cousin Smiley's wedding, but it never happened so of course that didn't work. We're supposed to go look at dressed and stuff on Saturday and she already knows our dresses are gonna be lavender tube dresses so that should be cute.

Next couple weeks I should be on my way to Richmond to see my friend JENN! She's graduating from Hampton and invited me down for the festivitites so hopefully I can go and it should be fun and filled with pictures! I can't wait. I know for a fact I'll be able to go if my dad helps me, he made a hint that he'd help me with some things if I need it so I may just ask him this one favor. It shouldn't be too bad since I haven't asked him or anyone for anything in a long time.

Also, I'm slowly converting and I'm starting to wear the one thing I swore up and down would never be on my feet unless it was really necessary - heels. I wore them out in Olde City and a few places a couple times and had the best time and I looked sharp as shit - I get it now. So now I actually go shopping for heels, I bought a few dresses knowing I'd need to wear heels with them and I look good if I do say so myself :) [If I don't think so, no one else will so eff it]

Now I must stop slacking off at work. Catch up on this soon

-Ashley

...Talking Politics

I'm not very political. I don't even like keeping up with campaigns because they always overpower the actual message and issues with propaganda, libel, slander, and a television day full of ads of what that person did or did not do for whatever reason to push the vote on their sides.

I used to claim democrat. I'm still registered as one, but now I don't even pick a side..not even independent. I just go with who seems to make the most sense, and who also has what it takes to fix this fucked up ass country that we live in and that many are trying to get into like a crowded night at the club.

Only thing so far that has caught my eye during this whole Presidental race isn't that there's a black man, or a woman running...it was just Obama's speech "A More Perfect Union" while he was here in Philly.He broke it all down and talked to the world like regular adults...He didn't try to cover anything up or swing some words around so you can decipher it how you want and make up 15 meanings that aren't even close...All he wants is a better America, and if there's anyone that doesn't want that...shouldn't live here.

So take it how you want it, but I believe he truly is one smart man that could possibly do some great things - but only if given the chance...and even after that only time will tell...After the whole Vote Or Die campaigns, making the giant effort to boost voting in the community and waiting 10 hours in line in New Orleans to vote for the first time and for the whole state of Louisiana to already be handed over to Bush before I and a long ass line behind me even got CLOSE to the voting booth - I kinda swore off the government. This the one and probably only time out of every 4 years you'll ever really witness me talking politics...soak it in & enjoy

-Ashley

To See The Speech, Click Link Below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrp-v2tHaDo

...The Past Always Has A Way Of Catching Up With You

Just another day in the life...until I receive a message from my ex-husband.

It has been so long since we had last spoken and yet ... Is it too out in the beyond to say that when everything become quiet in my world and all I have is time to reflect, the first thing that comes to my mind is you. It's funny, everytime I feel like I am at a crossroad the only thing that center me still is the thought of you.

Right now it is 4am and I am sitting in bed with the laptop listening to music. I have so much to say and yet as I am typing this to you I find myself withholding the words I would usually share with you. And it is frustrating. Since we had stop talking, do you know how many women came after you? And yet, I am here and not there. I come to you because I expect you to figure this out... To figure me out.

People say I am good with words, but sometimes I would rather not explain everything. Sometimes I would rather have the person I am with to just understand without me having to lead the way towards it. Do you know what frustrated me so much about you? It was that you understood me and that made it difficult for me to do things half-way.It is so much that I wish I had given you the chance to teach me. To love harder and deeper. To be more understanding. To be considerate. These things aren't easy you know. But for some reason, it came to you naturally.

You are probably thinking 'what are you trying to get at Asad.' Honestly, I don't know. At a moment like this, it would be helpful if you lived close by lol. I could do for a nice steaming mug of whatever you can't burn lol and a good conversation. I guess that is what I am really thirsty for.. a thought quenching debate from minds on the same level. A give and take that could go on for eons.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are less than amazing. For I have stared into the face of it and saw your brown eyes looking back at me knowingly. You will always be Relly Bear to me, never forget it.

-Cor'an

Anyone that knew me during that era (Fall 04-Spring/Summer 06) knows the drama, madness, head over hills and even out of control relationship we had. It was a sum up case of 'good girl & bad guy like each other, they fall in love, bad guy tries to change for the better & plan a future but can't, good girl tries to help but inevitably loses.' Another factor was both people have real bad similar tempers & when one got mad, the other got madder. Both almost perfect for each other, but it just wasn't the right time. Even though it sucks it ended, it's still sweet to know that even in the seperation HE knows I was the one he let slip away...& a part of his <3 will always belong to me...

...Random

An acquaintance of mine recently had a revelation about life. Read & interpret yourself, it's alot easier than trying to explain...:

We are alive to live. We die to give time meaning. There is no such thing as heaven, you were given life to exist. No being is superior to another, we are all equal. There is a God, but we will never understand God - It's simply out of our comprehension. Karma is real, it's proof of God. We are not responsible for the state of the world. We are responsible for how we impact it. Perfection isn't real. Life is a gift.

...think on that

-Ashley

...Greatest Party Day Since I've Been Legal

One Friday because a club was having a 25 cent drink special until 11:30 me & Tyk decided to go party, since that's what we do best...and besides it's fucking Friday. We get to the club, but the drink special is over so we get our usual fav. poison of choice (Long Island Ice Tea). It's $12 and stingy but whatever it's Friday we're ballin. It's the first time we ever went to this place and it's small and crowded as shit. We're dressed fly as shit and we're getting alot of looks and compliments so that made us happy, but its too crowded and we can't move or mingle, so we leave. We go to a bar like two doors down. They have no cover charge & $5 Corona's - can't beat that, so we chill and drink them and jam. We then decided to check the rest of the bars on the block before we settle and carry our drinks with us in my purse (lol). They're not as cool, and the other club across the street has a long ass line that we weren't waiting in, so we go back to our spot. We get a couple more beers, some random guy buys us this AWESOME shot, and we buy another one because it's good. It gets close to closing time so we get a couple dances in, get a couple numbers and leave the bar. We get outside to head to the car and get a couple more numbers during the walk to the car and while just standing outside. We then not head home, we go chill with some guys smoke a little laughed a little and got some free stuff just for being pretty - literally.
We finally decided to stroll in the house at like 7ish smoke a blunt and then finally decide to sleep at like 10:30 after eating some pancakes :)
After all of that, we didn't even need to party the rest of the weekend lol. It was a wonderful time. If that's my summer preview I'm ready!

...Night of Fun Turned To Shit

Me & Tyk go out for St. Patrick's Day & to also reunite her with one of her friends she hadn't seen in a long time. We had a great time until it was time to leave.
First off, we're way off in the Boondocks of the Northeast and I don't really know it like the back of my hand so I need exact directions so I make sure I don't get lost. Getting there was absolutely perfect, everything rolled wonderfully. We got there had a nice catch up time and walked to the bar and chilled and had a nice evening. When it's time to leave though is a whole other story. I get to my car to realize it looked like somebody egg'd the back windshield. I let it slide, it's nothing a car wash can't fix - fuck it. I then try to head home, my 95 route is blocked off for some God forsaken reason, I somehow end up in Jersey and have to pay damn toll. I then get talked into taking a random quick trip to South Philly (mind you it's Monday & I do have to work the next day). On the way there I get a moving violation for $118.50. We finally get there, we both have to pee like some racehorses and the bastards don't answer the phone or the doorbell. We hit someone else's bell by accident and they think we're crazy for being out there and damn near fear for their safety. All of this drama and we STILL have to pee! I then finally lose my temper, throw my phone against a wall and speed off into the sunset to just get home as soon as possible. I should've just listened to my first instinct and just went home once we finished hanging up Northeast.
I then wake up in the morning, get ready to head to work, and lucky me has a damn flat tire. Not only did whoever egg my car, but they slashed my tire as well - fucking great.
Now I have to shell out bout $200 in one day all because of that one evening that I only planned on spending $40. So needless to say I'm not going anywhere for a little bit, and my tax rebate check I was so happy to see and get is now going to everything except what I wanted it to.
...ain't life grand

...Get It Together

...God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference...

-Ashley

...It Still Hurts

On a personal note...

Today, more than usual, I've been thinking about my Grammy & Aunt Joyce...mainly my Grammy. This morning 'Yesterday' sung by Mary Mary came on my ipod on my way to work *tear, which was one of my Aunt Joyce's favorite songs and it just made me think of my Grammy in general.
I miss my Aunt Joyce more & more each day I look at my hair. She's the only hairdresser I know and I never thought my life would be this upside down without her here.
In my Grammy's final years I know I distanced myself from her because I hated seeing the state she was in because of her disease, but desperately I miss being around her & just being able to know that she is there even if she didn't know who I was (although she never forgot me, she just wouldn't recognize me or call me by my mother's name & my mother by my name). I still can't stop calling the house she lived in hers even though she's not there. I can't accept the fact that they're going to sell the house and some other family is going to live where I grew up and where she took her last breath. Death has come into my life on a few occasions but this one has hurt me the most.
I still remember going to her funeral & not being able to even walk in the church...seeing her in the casket & expecting at any moment for her to inhale and prove everyone wrong...to know my Grammy, the woman who raised & nurtured me for as long as I can remember is now just reduced to a pearl white & gold trimmed box underground hurts deep. It's still recent (August 17th) so of course I wouldn't be 'over it,' but...I don't know - I just miss my Grammy :(

...Damn Winter

I despise winter. It's the worst season to me. It's cold, it gets even colder, it gets dark at like 3:30 and it puts me in hibernation. The worst part of it all is that it snows! The only way I like snow is if it gets me out of work/school. Once that's over I hate it again - then I have to walk in it, clean off my car, shovel, throw salt, drive in it, etc...
The reason for that mini rant, is because it snowed (approx. 3 inches) in the wee hours of the morning and I had to go to work...sucks...I mean if schools are out, most jobs are being let out early and even the damn Mayor of the city says that employers should let the workers out early to avoid being stuck in the elements...so why the eff is my job still open!!! Not like we're getting many customers since most of them are already home safe while we sit here looking stupid. Great.
...trying to patiently countdown until warm weather is the norm - or I move back down south...whichever comes first

-Ashley