...Life Goes On

....so since 2010 began, I've been going through a lot of changes.
I was terminated from my job for some bullshit...
...funny thing is - I knew it was going to happen....
Those "management" people except one never liked me because of my attitude. I'm not one to kiss anybody's ass or bend over backwards unless it's needed/deserved...and they didn't like that. I did my job, I did it right and to me that's all that matters. Past couple months this one female manager who never liked me, without ever knowing or working with me, began to nitpick at everything I did whether it was right or wrong..
In a nutshell, my reason for being let go was because of an operational mistake. A foreign check that I properly submitted and processed, called back office to assist me, had HER sign off on and double check - somehow doesn't reach its destination...they have to credit the customer of the check they now claim they know nothing about, the bank takes a loss and in turn - I get the boot.
It's a blessing in disguise though...I didn't like the job or the people....If you follow me on Twitter I was ALWAYS talking shit about everybody even the customers that irked my life.
As of now, I have no clue what the blessing is that will come from this, but I'm willing to be patient to see what is to come.

With the free time I've devoted more time into school. I've signed up for more classes in hopes of attaining my degree at a faster pace. While on this job search it's very noticeable you need a Bachelors to simply work at T.G.I.Fridays much less a job with substance unless you're well connected or extremely lucky. I'm going to take this time to not only excel in learning, but to hone my networking skills...a lot of times opportunities are found through people you know...so I need to expand my associates for networking purposes. It's a bit out of my comfort zone since my ideal situation is to stay off the radar and stick with my immediate circle of individuals...but in order to get new results - I must be willing to do and try new things.

In the midst of that drastic change in lifestyle, I was propositioned and have embarked on a relationship. It's been a LONG time since I even thought of taking anyone seriously...it was also another reason why I went on my self improvement regime to rid my self of any ill feelings prior relationships and dealings with men may have caused...even when the idea came up I was still apprehensive, but I'm taking the chance anyway. With the free time I normally wouldn't have if I were working, it's giving us ample time and a chance to really delve into knowing all the ins and outs of each other to build on what we learned when we were just friends. It's early but we're very supportive of each other, and so far things are well and hopefully they continue to be that way. It's a very different situation and I'm interested in seeing where this may go.

I've recently been frequenting many open mics in the Northeast region. There are A LOT of talented people out there. It's a shame many aren't heard more prevalently but it's great to know there are many venues and outlets that appreciate and welcome these individuals. The more I attend them the more I feel obliged to participate. As much as I write, I don't see why not...People compliment my work but I don't have the balls for it....I've already made a commitment to perform one time in December....but I'm building up the strength to try it on another occasion....at least before the summer is over I'd like to have done so 3 times....like once a month or so to get my feet wet and get the nerves to relax.

I really need to get on my shit and update this consistently...I have the 'ok' to get a co-sign from many other great bloggers and gain some support...but I want to have a well oiled machine going..I don't wanna advertise some bullshit. I have recognized my 3 main keywords for this blog...which is Music, Literature, & Life.

Well...that's enough about me...I'll catch ya'll on the flipside or you can always spot me on >> Twitter <<
..follow me and speak - I don't bite, unless you like that shit *shrug*
-Ashley

...Random Song Of The Moment

...along with my Ghostface obsession...this is a song I've been listening to a lot......also cause it's on a CD I have in my car...but respect the WU....bitch

..The World According To Pretty Toney

My mild obsession w/ Ghostface satisfied through some dumb ass youtubes with the dumb shit he says...*sigh*...

...13 Years

B.I.G. was killed...so, I got my favorite song.
I can never listen to this without getting an itchy palm and the urge to reek havoc...
...commit crimes, smack hoes, and just be plain ol gangster and destructive...
I'm not gonna do that, but I will listen to the song anyway
Gimme Tha Loot - Biggie Smalls

...So go get ya man bitch he can get robbed too! Tell em Biggie took it, what the fuck he gonna do?! I hope apologetic or I'ma have to set it..and if I set it - the cocksucker wont forget it!!!!...

...100 Year Old Alice In Wonderland

In honor of the new movie, here's the first version...bout 9 years after they started making movies....period
Gritty, but the special effects aren't bad at all

...Recognize The Greatness

There's a petition going and there's hope for a test run during the 2012 Olympic in London for Pole Dancing to be recognized as a sport and be a competition during the games.
It be a great thing to showcase the art and also show there's more to it than what happens in the strip clubs. It's fitness, it's fun, and pretty complicated....
As a fan, student and advocate I support this movement

ORIGINAL STORY

...Love Unspoken

...wrote this august of '05....ran across it while looking for a password in my email....*shrug*

*a couple sittin together watching TV..the man walks out of the room*

i love you...

Can you see it in my eyes as they peer into yours..trying desperately to see your soul

Can you hear it in my voice as i try to confess to you the feelings you long to know

Can you feel it in my touch as i lightly touch tour temples to relieve your stress and calm your mind

Can you taste it in my kiss...so sensual and only for you

Can you inhale the scent of us...of love...our love, and identify it...

I Love You!

I can see it in my dreams as i sleep and pray to never wake as to not end these perfect thoughts

I can hear the melody of your voice in my ears which is better than any sweet soundin song

I can feel it in my veins as it runs through my heart with every beat

I can taste it on the tip of my tongue where the word 'love' sits and waits to be said to you

I can breath freely knowing our love could be in the air flowing into my lungs and securing my life

With every sense that i have..with every part of my being..with all that i was, am and will be..from now until eternity...

I... !!! *he walks back into the room sits down*

...I have to pee

...In Honor of Black History Month

Here's a little dedication to the people who have led the way for the minor things we take for granted...like calling a white person a "cracker ass cracker" behing their backs


Teach The Babies

...Random Song of The Moment

...ever since that day, I've been in my SWV bag
The CD I can say was my dead ass favorite was New Beginning, I played it everyday after school like a religion...this was one of my favz

...when this feeling comes over me, will u be there - to receive... and let this love breathe....
When This Feeling

...Speechless In Motion

Adore the song, and this dance goes well with it
From So You Think You Can Dance U.K.

...Still Got It

My favorite female group of all time appeared at a Derek Blanks shoot few days ago
...they still got they pipes...no help...on random...
They're supposed to be reuniting, hopefully it will materialize SOON
I miss them

...What He Really Meant To Say...

If I could write a million songs
To show you that my feelings strong - I wouldn’t hesitate
You ain’t gotta designate me to a stringent title
Our living cycle’s too short for boundaries
And too often shit ain’t what we make it out to be
So I don’t want you feeling like I want you bound to me
It’s just that unexplainable part of you that brings something outta me
Or should I say holds my mouth closed tighter than Prince’s
Your smile or how your golden brown skin tone shines and it glistens
…a diamond…
That have knee high children inside mines digging
Priced as expensive as a life, the type of gleam some niggas die for
The type of Queen that I’m tryna provide for
But not in terms of dropping something in your pocket
More like a promise
That we’ll stay climbing
Even when there’s a jagged edge, we always stay solid
To be honest feels like its damn near destiny and I ain’t tryna Run from it like Hollis
Through the process of tryna find one to rock wit
I ran across some zirconias
Artificial, synthetic types
Time’a reveal they ain’t real if you shed the light

I ain’t one to get intimidated
But around you my brain in a different place
Make it hard for a wordsmith to articulate
Sit awake, tryna figure out the reason why you leave me speechless
I’m usually distinguished
Composed, cool and debonair
But I’m moving on a whole other level here
Feels like I’m treading air
Or flying
30,000 feet and rising
Til I’m subconsciously reminded that I ain’t a pilot
Simply put, I wouldn’t try it if I was right minded
Don’t make sense and I can’t describe it
So I write it
Hoping that you get it
And see the sincerity of what I’m saying as I spit it
I sent it from my heart to your ears, hope you listening
And comprehend that whatever needs fulfilling
Nothing I wouldn’t do, I’m Willing and Able
Even though scrambled eggs are fucking disgusting, I’d put in them minutes in the kitchen
To fix em
Plus cheese grits with extra butter, biscuits
And waffles with that strawberry topping shit just for one of your kisses
Hopefully it’s clear I ain’t tryna shaft you…can you dig it?
This ain’t no Pulp Fiction
I ain’t Sam or Tarrantino…naw
But in you I see That Girl that same girl Stevie saw…and if you ain’t her, ya’ll share a striking resemblance
…Very Superstitious

...Redemption Song

It's become a popular song for a few people to sing with all the Hope for Haiti things going on...Melanie Fiona, sick in her room decides to do her part and kills it - seriously

Instead Oprah has Rihanna ol tone deaf ass acting like she really killing shit....
I know Oprah ain't getting teary eyed...?!!!

..Just Wanted To Say

Kenzo is adorable!

...#thatthing

Wale decided to tell Honey Mag about #thatthing

Wale: The irony in the pursuit of success is that once some of us achieve the dream we swore we wanted, the things that were important on the road to it tend to deteriorate — family, “friends” and often love.

When I was in early high school, I would chant nonsense like money over bitches. Looking back, I cringe. After failed relationships, failed “flings,” failed attempts at being a gigolo, player, or anything under that umbrella, I made a self declaration that 2010 will be the year of #thatthing. #thatthing is an absolute anomaly. It’s unexplainable. It soothes, it kills, it holds, it harms. It literally can grant life or death with one touch. And for this reason, many of us wear masks, metaphorically of course. Masks that cover insecurities. Masks that prevent #thatthing from capturing you in its relentless clutch. The fear of being hurt, for some, is far more important then the joy of being in love.

Women, how many men have you met who surround themselves around so many women, they wouldn’t be able to distinguish “the one” if she were right under his nose? I propose the same question to the dudes: Have you ever courted someone and did everything in your power to make her “open her eyes” (Bobby Caldwell x Common)? Yet she still wants to be in the club every other day or she tells you she doesn’t want commitment. That is her trying not to be vulnerable. That is the proverbial wall that can’t be penetrated because even the briefest daydream of #thatthing will send her into shock. #thatthing has the staring role in life’s movie. A nigga may have never experienced #thatthing, but his mother/father/sister/brother/teammate’s experiences may have been enough to instill the fear. A woman may never have experienced that thing, but her homegirl/bestfriend/play-cousin just may have made a fool of herself at a local club, go-go, movie theater or mall because of #thatthing.

---

I’ve decided to pursue monogamy this year because #thatthing is beautiful. I literally drove down South Dakota Avenue with a North Face coat (the big joint) some basketball shorts, a wifebeater, and Timberlands. (Nike boots were muddy) on a summer night, because I wanted to show her "how real these tears are."

---

I’ve decided to pursue monogamy this year because #thatthing is beautiful. I literally drove down South Dakota Avenue with a North Face coat (the big joint) some basketball shorts, a wifebeater, and Timberlands. (Nike boots were muddy) on a summer night, because I wanted to show her “how real these tears are.” I can laugh at myself now, but at the time #thatthing had me lunchin’.

Ladies, Gents — #thatthing don’t give a fuck what she/he looks like, either. Many of us have fallen victim to the I-can’t-believe-I-used-to-sleep-with-that-monstrosity syndrome. Another result of #thatthing. For fear of hurting someone’s feelings (and encouraging an angry woman to stalk me), let’s just say I once was so caught up in #thatthing, I looked past several character flaws (as well as physical) for an extended period of time.

I have to ask myself why. Is it the thrill of chase? Spending nights under the covers talking about nothing? Your partner is so “perfect” that just to hear their breath is the most tranquil feeling in the world (and completely trumps a quick nut from a jump-off.) Her sex is so good I look past the fact that she has no job, no car, no ambition, and no drive. Or ladies — maybe he f*%cks so good that you forget that he has six children and he’s only 25. The most proud can be publicly foolish. The shy guy can transform into the most outspoken. The moment your heart and hormones start to fight for control of your brain, you’re probably caught up in #thatthing.

My pursuit of #thatthing is a difficult one. I like to consider myself an unrecognizable famous person, meaning I can still do the things most 25-year-old employed black men can do, without too much attention. But at the same time, a lot of these women know who I am, (albeit never heard a song. LOL.) This is where the pessimism starts to creep in. And the paranoia that guides my judgment when exchanging numbers. Why does she want to talk to me? How long till she tells me she’s a model? I met Jay-Z in ‘99 he said he was gonna sign me. Can you ask him if we’re still good? Situations like this make the pursuit of #thatthing just as hard as shaking it off once acquired.

...Oh Anderson Cooper

Not only is he sexy [yes I know he's gay]
BUT he also saves lives when he's not on CNN
Getting a boy out of the line of fire in the midst of the massive looting in Haiti

...Happy MLK Day Of Service

As always...remember to get out today and help

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating "For Whites Only". We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

...Favorite Song Of The Moment

New stuff from Monica by popular demand
The song is pretty on its own
It made me adore it more because it samples an awesome song [Silly - Deniece Williams]
And personally its my favorite part during the chorus cause I like songs for thee most random reasons

Everything To Me - Monica
...always come first and second to none....

...Happy Birthday Baby Girl

Day late - but this year Aaliyah would've been 31
...Regardless her memory still lingers in everyone's mind and music
My uber favorite song of hers besides her classics
It's Whatever
...like a candy to an apple - we go together...you're so sweet on me...

..Disappointment Wont Be An Issue

I've inspired some literature from Fleetwood Deville
he felt the urge to respond to the shit I wrote yesterday...
maybe he'll record it to balance out his bitches ain't shit theme songs lol
...lets take a look...


I know you prolly think I'm shooting game
But the truth is babe
I'm diggin you
We can do whatever you tryna get into
Your convo
Got my heart racing like OJ in the Bronco
Sista, you a killa...incendiary as a cinder...a knockout, your brain and beauty's such a perfect combo
Let's...put our chemistry to the test, hands on...connect like elec-trons in a covalent bond
Tryna get my grown man on while the slow jams blow
And showcase all the shit that F stands fo
Well....not quite all, but anyway, I'm tryna chill
I ain't frontin, I'm fareal
You can capture me, and enslave me with your sensuality
It ain't a fallacy
We can exercise fantasies and burn calories
Find your heartbeat wit my fingertips and feel ya soul flutter

If the addiction is fatal, I ain't rehabbing
Your essence leave a faint fragrance of cocaine every time we get it crackin
So it's fair to say I'm fiendin for you badly
Give a nigga fever...foreplay to finale

Dig it
I'm tryna make it vivid
to the point that it's a dream we constantly reliving
Take you where bliss is, together...we can share forever every minute til it ends...

...And your Voodoo make me want it One Mo Gin, work my Root with your touch
For which I'ma glutton...the satisfaction give me a rush, more significant than lust
Fuck if it's the Devil's Pie, I'm eating everything from the filling to the crust

Brown skin lady shine like the black star you are
Let me share your luminous light
while we steal kisses like thieves in the night
I fail to fathom a definition or explanation
For the feeling when you begging me "faster" between respirations

I'm tryna give you pleasure til your fingernails ripping skin and your legs quivering measure on the Richter scale

...Disappointment won't be an issue...

*applause - take a bow sir*

...Favorite Song Of The Moment

...with that ol rapist ass jawn I just posted, figured this be an awesome song to follow it
This is like the 2010 Take You Down featuring Tank

...as stingy as you are I hope you're ready...
Take My Time - Chris Brown

...Don't Disappoint

...so we're having a convo...
...I found it funny n thought of this...


I just feel like...I wanna BEG for it - then you'll know I'm hooked....
....your wish is my command...
It's gotta be worth the wait and everything I've vividly imagined
Energy can only be pent up for so long - will you release it properly....?
Expand my mind royally and I'll honor you like a King
Make my skin crawl - body freeze - steal the strength from my knees - I'm powerless to leave....but why would I want to....?
We'll learn a new language - pure bliss - which consists of only engaging glances and the intensity of a kiss. I want to have to shed a tear since no words will describe how you're making me feel
When its over, I'll roll over satisfied but still craving more....
...Ready?
...no longer a need to chase me since now you're MY prey...
You might be spent but I've just begun and I need to relive that joy again...and again...and by any means necessary I will
I won't understand no or stop so don't bitch - on like a light switch, put up a fight if you wish, not like it will break my spirit...regardless what you say your body and I both agree, and what I want ALWAYS wins
...no matter the risk, time frame or cost, best believe I'M making up for time lost....
...Don't disappoint...

...Safety First

This could be the only carry-on airports allow you to have....too bad it looks ridiculous and even the reporter couldn't keep a straight face

..."I Wanted To Do Hoodrat Things With My Friends"...

I'm prolly late...but still
...lil nigga bold and dead ass serious
I hope his grandma did kick his ass once the cops n em left
....oh yea - Happy New Year hoes :)

...2 Steps Forward - 30 Steps Back

I noticed a Trending Topic on Twitter today for #RonnieGeneWallace
not sure if it made the top...but I saw it, and I'm saddened.
No matter what year it is, there's still alot of hatred in this world....


Four men in South Carolina have been charged in the beating and lynching of this 42 year old male.
We're alot closer to 1899 than the future they swore we'd have by now...

ORIGINAL STORY

...Fav Song Of The Moment...Again

Ok so I sang Gaga all morning - but how dare I forget the song I played on repeat bout 5 times yesterday...and almost relapsed again today at work...I love almost everything he does...but this my song...
...got me wondering how u feel, wondering what you will or won't do
is it real love - you maybe the one that I'm waiting on....

Is It Real Love - Ryan Leslie

...Fav Song of The Moment

I've adored this song since I heard her perform it at an award show - obviously the specific show isn't important cause they all suck now....but I digress - since the show I went on a mad search for it and haven't stopped listening to it since....she's a deep individual but she writes some awesome songs.....

..could we fix you if you broke...? and is your punchline just a joke...?

Speechless - Lady Gaga

...My New Year's Resolution

...this is one I know I will keep because I thoroughly enjoy the "art" of pole dancing...its like my hobby almost. It actually takes alot of strength and skill to to some of that shit...not as easy as it usually looks. The tricks/ poses and things you can do with it are sooooo awesome.
My resolution is to sign up for a weekly or however often class, do some pilates to help with my flexibility and before the year is over - be able to emulate or at least do something close to this routine and better

This is a vid by Althea Austin

...Awesome Song Of Life

I already have a mild obsession for Ghostface....but this is the greatest song EVER haha
Stapleton Sex
...this aint no R&B dick this hood - my slow jam dick is on Thursdays...
...don't touch me...

...I'll Kick An Old Person For Disrespecting Me

...unfortunately this old person is my Grand Father and I've got to have respect for him regardless...

It's bullshit to me since respect is supposed to be earned in any other situation why doesn't this rule apply to him?
I tell my family everyday this nigga is being all kinds of spiteful...they say "..leave it alone, don't say anything - he's depressed..."
His depression was brought on by his own stubborn ass need to ignore all the doctors orders, refuse to go to his treatments, and curse out his physical therapist just because "he can - he's old".
Now he has no mobility of his left side, which would've been avoided HAD he complied....its his own fucking fault
He does nothing but stay in the house all day because he pissed off all his friends by not trying to do better after he got sick and then refuses to go to any senior outings to at least get fresh air because "he don't wanna be around all them old people"....muthafuckka YOU old too dog...now he's alone
He is the EPITOME of the old people I swear I'll kick they cane from or trip down some stairs...because they feel since they're old they're entitled to be disrespectful and mean cause they're suffering - fuck that dumb shit

He's blessed to have a family who basically doesn't believe in putting our own in nursing homes and will take care of you by any means necessary. My mother has damn near reconstructed her entire house to make it suitable for him to stay and easy for maintenance in the event he was to make a mess...
...but this nigga just think its fair ground to just seek and destroy new territory...
You have a bucket to spit in...but you'd rather just do it on the floor
You have your own bathroom/adult diapers/utensils in case you can't get up...yet you'd rather purposely sit in the kitchen, STRAIN at that and shit your pants and give everyone your ass to kiss..THEN knowingly have the shit on him and trail it throughout the house...fresh done hardwood floors and you smearing shit around?
Me or my mother cook a meal to last a few days and he up and decide he's not eating that and request special shit - nigga you know you wouldn't have selection if we put yo ass in Mercy Care...you get your meal of the day and shut that shit up or starve..

Ever since I been back at the family house I've been noticing his lil mannerisms, and he always try to act like he's senile but longer I'm around him - that man knows EXACTLY what he's doing..."like apathy...mocking the people taking care of him knowing we'll continue to do it anyway..."
Makes it worse is he knows my mother - his own daughter is fighting her own battle of sickness yet he feels entitled to make her do a bunch of unnecessary shit for the fuck of it

I understand it is a drastic thing to have to come to grips with feeling fine in your mind but your body doesn't agree...to go from being a workhorse to basically worthless fixture...being ill in general is a hard thing to accept - but I don't feel torturing your family that's trying to help is going make your arm/leg work...its not gonna make your friends love you again...its not gonna turn back the hands of time and make you fucking young again...all it's doing is making you a miserable old bastard that I'm now beginning to resent...My father ignores and refuses to be in the same room as him....And his own daughter is fighting in her mind if he's doing these things on purpose to keep a good outlook on helping him

..I'll keep my mouth closed in respect for the family, I won't haul off and bring a reign of evil on his ass and teach his ass a lesson - but I sure as shit don't have to like it...and I don't...

I swear if I live to be old and I become ill, I'm writing in my will I would like to be euthanized.
I hope my family/husband/children will understand and just value my wishes.
If I am of no use to myself or others, I have no point hanging around taking up space and air...
It sounds harsh but I've witnessed plenty family members slowly deteriorate for the sake of going naturally - it then becomes a burden to the rest of the family to take care of them in their final days...hiring nurses - filing for PCAA support...all sorts of run around shit...
Get me out the way and move on with your lives - I lived mine and I'm no longer a help
...thats just how I feel...

...Perfect Song for Philly Snow Storm '09

...I despise snow, and I have no boo to be snowed in with
but its still the perfect song for the current situation...

...Christmas Miracle

I'm not a very religious person....but this is deep...

...Best Song EVER

Now we should all know the original...Bitches Ain't Shit...

...classic shit - I know

...but Ben Folds has changed my life. With singing this song....I have fully recognized...Bitches really aren't shit lol

...Random Songz Double Feature

...now I know Snoop has far more important and classic songs than these.....but you can't tell me they're not thee shit....


I'm Through Witchu
...don't hit her...just shake that hoe...

or my uber fav...
Fresh Pair of Panties

..I've got to know, or you can show....me...

...Fav. Song of The Moment

Alot of people are shocked to realize they actually like this song....but I adore it

..I like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns sloooowwlllyyyyy, its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep - cause everything is never as it seems...

Fireflies - Owl City

...Alice In Wonderland

A link posted by Blunted on Twitter who also has a dope BLOG

..its basically a beat/tune made with some sound bites from the movie Alice and Wonderland...
Its by a Youtube user FAGOTTRON
He's done a few other ones, so if yu hit the link you can check it all out, but I've decided my fav is the Alice jawn...
...I don't care what you think - this shits hot...

...How You Like That

The Vatican has just recently released an official music playlist selected by the Pope himself. Among the selections were music by Mozart, Muse, and Tupac Shakur
Changes

...Sigh...

...Happy Belated Turkey Day - hope all went well. I cooked majority of the dinner this year...nobody died so I believe I did a good job [ Fried & Rotisserie turkey, stuffing, mac & cheese, fish stew, sweet potato pie, green beans...I forget the rest...]

I think because it's the end of the year shits trying to get they finally hits in...people are fucking with me more than usual, testing my patience and kindness...probably even trying to get me fired...but I can't let them get to me...whatever is meant to be will be...I will prevail regardless, even if I fall to the bottom I won't stay there long...I'm destined for greater...

Not all is terrible...

I've made acquaintance with a few people I believe could be considered friends...
Knowing how hard it can be to try to get to and become close to me - I find that a major achievement for myself and those individuals...hopefully they will be a blessing to my life and I to theirs...

Christmas is coming...but as I've gotten older, holidays don't really excite me much anymore...the time together is always good though...I just have a Charlie Brown approach now I guess. Maybe one day if I have children the thrill will return because of the joy on their faces

I won't take such a long break...long as my internet keeps working....
always gotta have a song...here's a song I like from Diddy & Em...otherwise known as Dirty Money featuring Drake

...loving you no more..I just - I can't - I just can't be loving you no more...I love you more than I love myself
[Hurt - Dirty Money]

...My Flippin Eye Candy

I felt wrong for staring at him during the movie New Moon....until I found out he was of legal age

Taylor Lautner is so adorable and his nice body helps out too

...its because of him, I'm not upset about seeing that movie....:)

...Fav Song of The Moment

...heard this song one time...and now I can't let the day go by without listening to it
Before She Said Hi - Mario

"...something told me she'd be mine, and I knew it before she said hi...."

...Denny's Gets It In

Roc Tour flow...Wale swaying and swinging round...J.Cole hanging out
waiting for food and decided to freestyle while they waited

"..she wanted Jay-Z but this nigga will do..."
I'm just glad Wale didn't say "name Wale prolly know me from the youknow/rap"

SIDENOTE: ...i got almost 300 posts...and all but 51 were done this year...I almost have a post per day of the year..2010, I'm gonna attempt to post at least once a day...and I wanna add more personal type pictures and such...more ME memories.
Whoever reads this jawn/cares....thanks for finding me even the slightest bit interesting

...This Some Sadistic Shit

...but it's deep tho

...Praise The Lord Saints

...its offering time...

...and apparently he does this EVERY Sunday haha

...The Lord Does What He Wants

...If a 3 year old understands it...Why can't these adults...?
Besides the little girls prayer...I find it a beautiful thing that the parents have this prayer time with their daughter...If more families did this - who knows what changes could be made in our children because right now - our future looks bleak...When I get old I don't think I want these wet smoking, syrup sippin bastards trying to protect or save my life....

...Monkey See, Monkey Maul?

I feel sorry for Charla Nash because of she will never look in the mirror and see the woman she used to be...or see anything for that matter. I hope all the surgeries she will have to encounter be successful in giving her a sense a normalcy. I feel bad for the chimpanzee that had to die in the process....
...but seriously...why the fuck do people keep tryna make wild animals pets?
Got tigers in NY apartments and now this chimp spazzed and rips your face off
Yea..you think it's cool...you're just SO exclusive in the animal world...
Before you go finding your favorite animal from the wild...remember this woman

ORIGINAL STORY

CHARLA WENT ON OPRAH

...I'm in that gray area...
I want it - but I don't
I can get it - but I won't
...so close yet so far away...

I'm telling myself this time of self-reflection will be better for me in the long run....to establish myself alone instead of Ashley & [insert name here].
The goal and purpose is to find a suitable significant other....to not just "settle" for who wants me and looks nice for now and gain that person who doesn't need me to "compliment his swag" [because for one he won't use the word swag] but to simply be there for him and in return he do the same...that whole equal partnership thing people tend to not understand.
I'm not looking for a husband, but I am getting older and dating is no longer just for "fun" because at some point you're wondering if you'd ever see yourself being with that person for a prolonged amount of time...and life is too short to waste it on worthless people.

So as the fall kicks in and the winter is around the corner "boo loving season" as many may call it - I'm gonna actually network and such...get back into the swing of things on a human level and not just -what you got for me - ok I'm out - ...see if any of my attempts of self improvement can be put into effect and make it work.

I've gotten my practice kicks out on a few new people...see how they'd take to my personality
When the ex's resurface [as they annually do] I display my new attitude and it has gotten positive responses surprisingly...My never-ending need to talk shit hasn't died, but that's just apart of the package...I love it - damn near get off on it *shrug* ESPECIALLY when whoever the shit talk gets aimed has awesome comebacks...*swoon*

Finding the individuals is one thing, being myself 24/7 is nothing
....if/when I really believe I like said person is a whole battle in itself because I'll fight that feeling to the death JUST so they don't win and I don't have to admit it....
Even if they admit it first, I probably still won't do it because once you admit things like that...shit goes from cool and comfortable....to complicated and calculated....
I'm not gonna stress it though...I'm just gonna surround myself with good people [hopefully] and let time and fate help decide the rest...

...If It's Meant To Be It Will...

...Random Song of The Moment

I recognized I can't put Daykeeper up, without posting my other favorite song from Foreign Exchange which correlates....

Valediction

...I've been changed and rearranged and - it's not like it was before....and when the sun shines ill show her why she cant keep me anymore.....she loves me..

...Random Song of The Moment

I saw these guys live in NY with Titi
[sidebar: check out her blog...true hiphop fiend in the flesh and dope female
>> CHICK IN THE CLIQUE << ]
...to be completely honest, she is the one who made me fall in love with them just by playing THIS song...which happens to be her favorite song as well...
If you've never experienced the music that is Foreign Exchange...you're missing out in life music that could probably get you through anything or even put you in a better place while going through it....
The group which mainly consists of Phonte from Little Brother and the producer Nicolay is a good thing...I approve this very much
...right now - this song is on repeat..once you listen, you may repeat it too....
DayKeeper...

...and when the sun rises, he watches over me....

...Fav Song of The Moment [city love]

It's raining...the breeding ground for slow jams, watching movies, trapping yourself in the house w/ whoever you so choose...
...this has been my uber fav artist and song since forever...but it fit perfectly today...I had it on repeat...now if only I had an actual reason to play it - haha
Imagination/ Crown Royal Suite - Jill Scott

...so this is making love...?
...so thick like - Crown Royal on iceeee....

...What Are You Guys Doing? - EATING BRAIN!!!

Me & Titi are going to Grand Central Station to prepare for our trip home...and we're greeted by this....

...The Great Wall

Cleaning out my room back in July, I came across all my random papers with the shit I write when I'm upset or just in general to clear my brain. Majority of the stuff is either sad or a self-description - which makes sense. Looking back on old stuff, I wonder where my mind was at that moment and although it may not be impressive to all I wonder where the fuck did I think of this shit - throwing out SAT words of the day on bishes. I probably found them at a good time since I'm en route to evolve and leave that mindset in the past with the bullshit situations that helped coerce those feelings...Ah well...better to write out the pain than to try and seek revenge..

Right now I have no idea why
...but I want to just cry
Last time I shed an honest tear was two years ago because my Grammy died.
For years I've told myself emotions are a weakness humans extort for personal purpose
So even if my insides burn from holding in pain - in vain - I'll smile and inform you I'm fine
My feelings could be stomped on numerous times but I'll take it in stride yet never confide - that's why you'll never hear from me again...
Sharp pains shoot through me to remind my subconscious there's something hiding - whether I acknowledge it or not.
No amount of ignorance can be bliss when it comes to your own feelings.
Now I feel like I'm falling deeper into an abyss of denial, distraction, maybe even depression.
Instead of put myself in a situation that can end badly I'd rather avoid it all together.
There's a less chance of losing when you take yourself out the game
I have my eyes on my prize but the cost is too steep
I feel destiny is trying to lead me to complacency
To settle for what I can get and make the best of it
"Pickings Are Slim/ Beggars Can't Be Choosers" - but I can't divulge when all I meet are losers..



Bitch...
Term of endearment or nickname for a dog
A state of mind or a self-defensive fog
A Bush mentality - shooting poison filled daggers rapidly
Always attack the other before they can get to me
Making it clear I'm not one to be fucked with
I see through all of your bullshit so save it for someone who cares...
Bitch...
Life sentence or powerful asset
Never again stepped on or over - that's the past
Yet there's nobody walking by my side for comfort, support, or to emit pride...
Those cries are muffled by that strong power I rev like the engine on my minds boat that sputters to a halt in the ocean of my thoughts...


...like...where do I come up with this shit....?

...*Flavor Flav* Wooooooow....

...Yo...boul was wasted as shit...and came all the way out for more?!
...just watch it...

Worst Shopping Run Ever - Watch more Funny Videos

...Twitter Love...

Juelz mackin bitches off Twitter...but hey - internet dating happens all the time...right?
But it's funny to get that moment of silence when people ask you "How'd ya'll meet?"
Gotta feel alil embarrased to say Twitter...but now if they can do it...bet you everyone will think they can [if they haven't already]...
But now a days really...no matter where you meet em, they'll still end up being crazy LOL
...and any Santana groupies...let it be known you're not talking to him..you're talking to his assistant - his girl Kimbella says so

Thee Best Halloween Costume EVER!!!

..pretty much explains itself...shit's hot

...Just Jammin

...She Always Knows How To Hit A Nerve....

...The more I think there's a chance we're making progress, she always some out of left field with some bullshit. Even in a time of trying to have family unity and support she can sucker a way to throw a nail under the tire.

I check my Facebook to see I have a message from my mother - who mind you is in the next room, which basically was a backhanded Thank You for helping/supporting her during this time even though she knows I don't like or love her, have better things to do, and hopefully wont be a bother too much longer. Almost on cue after I read this she walks in and I go right in asking straight up what the fuck was that about...but she has no answer no matter how many different ways I ask her this question.

Yes, I told her I don't like her levels of priorities, how she handled raising me, and that I consider my Grammy more of my mother than her - just being honest, but I've never told her in any form that I hated her...she's still my mother. No, We don't have that mother/daughter "bond" like I see other females have, but I do still care about her and her well-being...always have even when I felt it wasn't reciprocated. So in my mind...that thank you was rude and a slap in my face on too many levels.
All my life I'm fighting to make you happy so you can show that you love me or any form of attention for that matter and now you want to pull some shit like that baffles me. I atleast thought we had grown, matured, and understood each other during these recent times of close proximity - but apparently I was wrong.

To be honest, this saddens me deeply and I don't know how to handle it.
All I ever wanted was someone to care. The main person I KNOW did, is no longer alive.
And people I have now that possibly do - I push them away when I feel like this because I'm so used to trying to cope alone I don't know how to do it any other way.
I feel stuck in a vicious cycle of giving but never getting anything in return or having it turned around to where I'm wrong for whatever I do on account of what you did first...
...I just needed to vent...

...Pure Genius Sarah

We all want to save the world, so lets hit em where it counts - church

...Random Song of The Moment

Was having a convo about the ways dark liquor can have major effects on people. One of my faults is if I have a significant other, it tends to make me turn them into what I call "victims". My nigga Mr. Lampkin said I made it sound like hunting antelope and in it's own small way it is, since I see what I want and I'm sure I'll get it. After my subtle hints and not so subtle hints to those who know me I like to believe I then take the bold yet melodious approach like this song to finish the trap...so Let's Take A Walk with Raphael Saadiq

...The Flower In The Road '05

...You never know the way the roads of life will take you, so you walk aimlessly through it trying to memorize landmarks along the way. Things continue to be unfamiliar until you notice a beautiful flower you passed earlier. You admire its beauty and continue on your journey until you seem to pass the same flower again...and again...and again.
Finally you decide you need to get past this to further on your walk of life, yet the flower intrigues you so much you stay. You admire the shape of its petals, the unusual colors blended beautifully together, the seemingly perfect thing in the midst of the monotony of green.
You reach to pick the flower and the closer you get the more it changes: the colors fade, the stem grows thorns, and the petals shrivel as if it's protecting itself from you. You pull back and the majestic flower stands. You think of ways to get this flower without it changing.
You take a picture, but the flower doesn't show up on film.
You try and paint it, but the colors don't do the flower justice.
You try to cut the stem but the blade doesn't even leave a mark.
You sit and wonder should you stay and keep trying to pursue the flower for you to have and cherish forever...or continue through life without it...

...Favorite Song of The Moment

First heard this song when one of the dancers on So You Think You Can Dance did their short performance to save themselves to it. I downloaded it that day and somehow put it in the wrong playlist, blah blah blah blah and didn't hear it again until about 3 months ago. It's a simple yet beautiful song

Let's not fight, I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight?
Turn away, it's just there's nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we're lost but Soon We'll Be Found...

"Soon We'll Be Found" - Sia

...Why Women Have Sex

After taking a survey with some women..there are actually 237 reasons why women have sex and it's not about romance or pleasure. It must be embedded in females heads that sex can get you all sorts of things or make you the master without even trying to hard...cool article I was led to by @DACHESTERFRENCH actually....random - I know. Check the article below...and if you get the chance get the book with the same title written by clinical psychologist Cindy Meston

WHY WOMEN HAVE SEX

...Pure Talent

In the bathroom...just singing...no studio, AUTOTUNE
just a camera and a song in her heart

...Fav Song Of The Moment

Been playing this song quite often at work and in my car...dunno what it is about it - but I like it
Regardless of all thats going down I still luvz me some Chris Brown and here's either a leaked song off his album or just some extra treats :) Fatal Attraction

...Short Rare Glimpse Into History

A small clip of Anne Frank looking out of the window at a nearby wedding...taken only a year or so before she and her family were forced into hiding.

...Bitch You Dumb

By now everyone should've heard about the Anita Teldaldi story. Family adopts a baby of another race, then 18 months later terminates the entire thing because they "didn't bond". Her whole theory was to show you can still love a child as your own even when they're not.
First...what the hell kind of bonding was she looking for
Secondly...bonding goes both ways...maybe you didn't appeal to the child for him to open up to you the way you'd like or maybe that's just not his thing. Some people can't even bond with the children they give birth to - so now you're going to use adoption as a trial and error project....?
Raising a child takes work whether the chils is from your womb or not...the child she received was left on the side of the road...so it's possible he could have early on-set emotional detachment issues. Who knows...but by taking him into your home then sending him away again can't be doing anything better for this poor child's outlook on life or self-esteem...now you've probably made him feel so unwanted - worse than being left on the side of the road since at least those parents didn't leave a lasting imprint in his mind. He KNOWS you, he's gotten accustomed to you and your lifestyle and you've messed up his feeling of stability and consistency. Hopefully whatever family has him now will have more patience or be a better fit for him.