...The more I think there's a chance we're making progress, she always some out of left field with some bullshit. Even in a time of trying to have family unity and support she can sucker a way to throw a nail under the tire.
I check my Facebook to see I have a message from my mother - who mind you is in the next room, which basically was a backhanded Thank You for helping/supporting her during this time even though she knows I don't like or love her, have better things to do, and hopefully wont be a bother too much longer. Almost on cue after I read this she walks in and I go right in asking straight up what the fuck was that about...but she has no answer no matter how many different ways I ask her this question.
Yes, I told her I don't like her levels of priorities, how she handled raising me, and that I consider my Grammy more of my mother than her - just being honest, but I've never told her in any form that I hated her...she's still my mother. No, We don't have that mother/daughter "bond" like I see other females have, but I do still care about her and her well-being...always have even when I felt it wasn't reciprocated. So in my mind...that thank you was rude and a slap in my face on too many levels.
All my life I'm fighting to make you happy so you can show that you love me or any form of attention for that matter and now you want to pull some shit like that baffles me. I atleast thought we had grown, matured, and understood each other during these recent times of close proximity - but apparently I was wrong.
To be honest, this saddens me deeply and I don't know how to handle it.
All I ever wanted was someone to care. The main person I KNOW did, is no longer alive.
And people I have now that possibly do - I push them away when I feel like this because I'm so used to trying to cope alone I don't know how to do it any other way.
I feel stuck in a vicious cycle of giving but never getting anything in return or having it turned around to where I'm wrong for whatever I do on account of what you did first...
...I just needed to vent...
I check my Facebook to see I have a message from my mother - who mind you is in the next room, which basically was a backhanded Thank You for helping/supporting her during this time even though she knows I don't like or love her, have better things to do, and hopefully wont be a bother too much longer. Almost on cue after I read this she walks in and I go right in asking straight up what the fuck was that about...but she has no answer no matter how many different ways I ask her this question.
Yes, I told her I don't like her levels of priorities, how she handled raising me, and that I consider my Grammy more of my mother than her - just being honest, but I've never told her in any form that I hated her...she's still my mother. No, We don't have that mother/daughter "bond" like I see other females have, but I do still care about her and her well-being...always have even when I felt it wasn't reciprocated. So in my mind...that thank you was rude and a slap in my face on too many levels.
All my life I'm fighting to make you happy so you can show that you love me or any form of attention for that matter and now you want to pull some shit like that baffles me. I atleast thought we had grown, matured, and understood each other during these recent times of close proximity - but apparently I was wrong.
To be honest, this saddens me deeply and I don't know how to handle it.
All I ever wanted was someone to care. The main person I KNOW did, is no longer alive.
And people I have now that possibly do - I push them away when I feel like this because I'm so used to trying to cope alone I don't know how to do it any other way.
I feel stuck in a vicious cycle of giving but never getting anything in return or having it turned around to where I'm wrong for whatever I do on account of what you did first...
...I just needed to vent...
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