...We Love Only What We Do Not Completely Possess

...Ok, I have a slight complex...but I know I'm not alone or maybe me and my best friend are just crazy birds of a feather.

Anyway...No matter what I already own or state claim over, I always want what I can't have...

Things that come easy or someone that I know is interested always become boring and I end up losing my interest in a heartbeat even if it was something I wanted as well...but the thing I'm not supposed to have or the person who doesn't even know I exist gets all my attention.

This could be categorized as a major flaw and a possible factor for a lot of drama - but for some reason I find it to be fun....[I've got serious thrill issues dude]
It's like a mission to accomplish or completely conquer then put my stamp on it like BAM!!!
Once I get it though, it then also becomes boring because the exciting part is over - now its off to the next project.

Of course whatever the last project was doesn't take too kindly to being just an object of my amusement. I know its wrong, and at that moment I really don't care...but I know I gotta snap out of it and I'm in the process of doing so.
Life isn't a toy and guys aren't life-size Ken dolls. Being an only child puts crazy habits and ideas into effect I believe...

Slowly but surely I'm working on that whole 'change from the inside - out' thing to become a better person

..Now if only I had that much determination to do my homework, then I'd of finished my entire syllabus by now.

Next on the list : Procrastination...I'll work on that eventually...

On another note...why is it when I declare I'm no longer dealing with people from the past, every last one of them want to magically reappear on some shit? They make me feel like something drastic is going to happen. I always say it's a sign I'm gonna die lol
...I hate that..o well - back to work

-Ashley

...I Guess Everything Wants To Change

I know I said I was making changes but I didn't tell my job to do that too!!

I'm being moved to a different office on Monday, unfortunately this one has one major flaw....NO PARKING!!!
I'm now going to be forced to spin around in circles down effin South Philly which is the worst place to not have designated parking for 8 hrs....but whatever. I was pissed but, I still got a job so I gotta chase the bad taste in my mouth with some sugar.

I almost fed into temptation and relapsed Monday, but I stayed strong and rebuked it!!!!

It's been snowing, so that just makes me countdown the days until Spring comes back so I can be free from the cold and happy again. Winter time takes away my joy along with the daylight and the sun.

I think I had more to say, but my mind has been wandering off on some serious shit today. I'll try and gain some focus at the gym later...now I gotta pretend to do work
-Ashley

...Confessions of A Commitmentphobe III

Soundtrack : You Made A Fool of Me...

My heart cried "LEAP!" while my brain screamed "WAIT!"
Alas - another heartbreak
Yet it wasn't him...it was me
I couldn't get my heart and brain on one accord and HE suffered because of it. The more he fufilled my hearts desire, my brain was waiting for the next train out of town.
I let him down
I let myself down
Shit, I just feel down...
It's sad, I try SO hard to save myself from others and I'm subsequently hurting myself..
I don't need to pull myself in so many directions that I can't move forward. I'm truly becoming my own worse enemy. I don't even look in the mirror in fear of my self ridicule. I reject others compliments and invitations for my critiques and scowling
...You made a fool of me
YES!!! YOU, not anyone else...
The more I begin to realize that, the more I dread ill never get out of this cycle and continue hurting. I ended up right where I feared anyway. Instead of protecting myself from others...maybe I need to protect them from me....

...Fav. Song Of The Moment

Been listening to this song a good amount of the day...
...maybe it's how I feel...New Dawn, New Day, New Life for me
...and I'm Feeling Good
I will now wind down my Sunday with laundry, a little research [got a paper about of course OBAMA due Friday...gotta pick a speech and basically tear it apart then explain...GAY!!!], and watch The Last King of Scotland

Nina Simone...enjoy
-Ashley

...Are You Serious?

Reading The Smoking Gun...
...and I wonder...why...?

Add heroin to the scores of products that have been branded with President Barack Obama's name. Cops in upstate New York this week broke up a drug ring that allegedly sold heroin under several brand names, including "Obama." As seen in Sullivan County Sheriff's Office photos, the president's surname was stamped in red ink on small glassine wrappers that were peddled by street dealers. Investigators arrested five suspects for their alleged roles in the narcotics distribution activity. The branding of illicit drugs is a favorite of pushers, who have previously sold bin Laden heroin, Harry Potter Ecstasy, bricks of Teletubbies cocaine, and green-tinted crack in recognition of St. Patrick's Day.

Then I get ready to check my Yahoo email, and just shake my head...

LONDON (AFP) - A British man who murdered his wife after becoming enraged when she changed her relationship status on Facebook to "single" was jailed for at least 18 years late Thursday.

Edward Richardson, 41, stabbed wife Sarah, 26, to death in a "frenzied and brutal" attack at her parents' home in Biddulph, central England, last May after she altered her profile on the Internet social networking site.

The couple had been living apart since the previous month, said Fiona Cortese, a spokeswoman for the Crown Prosecution Service, which is responsible for prosecuting cases in England and Wales.

"Richardson became enraged when Sarah changed her marital status on Facebook to single and decided to go and see her as she was not responding to his (text) messages," Cortese said.

"He gained entry by breaking the front door window and made his way into the property.

"Once inside, he found Sarah in her bedroom and subjected her to a frenzied and brutal attack with a knife and then attempted to take his own life."

Sarah Richardson's parents Beryl and Alan Boote said they were left "devastated" by her murder after the verdict at Stafford Crown Court, central England.

"We hope that Richardson will be an old man before he's ever allowed out of prison," they said.

Detective Inspector Andy Wall, who worked on the case, added: "She had decided that her marriage to Edward Richardson was over but this was clearly something he could not accept."

Then reading MediaTakeOut I see a sign for Black ENGINEERS becomes...



...If you never thought so before, I know you gotta believe....people are fuckin DEEP!!!

Oh well, I'm just happy I finished my homework and can read this crazy shit.
Off to the gym and whatever random shit I allow my SOBER ass to do
...all who know me should be proud for the maximized word :)
-Ashley

...My Flippin Eye Candy

Before I show him...Apparently...Lil Kim is STILL unhappy about the movie "Notorious" and how she was portrayed.

She also feels that the person who should've played her was.....wait for it...
...Christina Milian....
...pause...WTF!?!...

Anyway...My Eye Candy :)

Profile it for em

Sophisticated Off-Guard Sexy

Cousin Jeff from BET
Don't even front on that man either. He's handsome, educated, and very well spoken...I don't know him personally to make any bad statements about him so - what more could you ask for?
Don't matter...I like it
-Ashley

...Why So Serious?

Dead or Alive...he's sexy
April 4, 1979 - January 22, 2008

...I Can't Feel My Face

because it's frozen!!!...

I've been outdoors since Saturday... screaming at the top of my lungs, talking to random ass people from different states and countries, dancing, laughing and celebrating the Inauguration of Obama.

I was a lucky individual to have been able to attend Jay-Z & Jeezy's party on Saturday, the concert at the Lincoln Memorial on Sunday [I saw Beyonce in real life man!!!], roaming around D.C. all day Monday, then witnessing first hand Obama being sworn in (I put something in the air for him, I'm sure he felt it from afar while at the luncheon) and also go to see him and Michelle dance together at the Ibiza ball :)...it was like the 6th time they danced but it doesn't matter!!! The point is I saw my husband in real life.
...I also saw my nemesis Rihanna there as well, but who cares about her manufactured ass. If she wasn't foreign with Jay-Z hiring awesome song writers and dating Chris Brown she'd be nothing!!!....but I digress

...Anyway, I'm sleepy as hell now since right after we saw Barack we left to head back home. Got home bout 4am and woke up again at 630.....work sucks!!!!!

All in all, even with the unspoken drama of security guards, a few unruly minorities, and some crunk to the thousandth level white folks [they were funny actually...]
...I'm just glad to have even been there for a firsthand account and birds eye visual of my husband, to feel like I was sooo apart of history, and be able to tell anyone who will listen in later years about what happened.

Now all I know is, Barack better not turn out to be the Anti-Christ or a puppet for "The Man." Although this is a BIG milestone, this is also STILL America...things aren't always what they appear to be and can easily be a big ass governement setup - I'd hate to of been bamboozled to the millionth power...
To stay positive, I'm just gonna enjoy what I saw and know so far...and as of right now...I think I like America today
...now lets watch the first 100 days...

...He Had A Dream

Today's not only a day off, it's also a day of reflection and community service.
Make sure you go do a good deed for a family member or a neighbor. Volunteer to feed the homeless or something. Just do something to shine some light into someone else's life.
It's reflection because this mans dream will be publicly recognized tomorrow for the Inauguration that I'm sooooo attending and have been at the events since Saturday :) We may still feel like there's something always holding us back, but we've come a longggg way.
Like most do every MLK Day, here's his speech
-Ashley

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating "For Whites Only". We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

..."But, I'm An Artist Sir..."

It's funny when celebs think they're above the law. It's even funnier when they get caught outright an try to use their celebrity to get them out of trouble. ESPECIALLY when you're a joke like Yung Berg...

...Fav Song Of The Moment

Ok, so I'm right back like I left something.
I actually never left, but....whatever.....

Anywayzzzzz...My OTHER fav of the moment is a classic from a classic group of talented musicians. If you've never heard of them you live in the core of the earth with the dinosaurs and the rest of the losers.

It's an awesome song...I could never get sick of hearing it, and when I listen to it after not hearing it for a long period of time it just makes me smile...no reason, just does.
Enjoy Mint Condition's 'You Send Me Swinging'

...Fav Song Of The Moment

This isn't raw undiscovered talent..but its some shit that's not on the radio. She's got a number of songs but this one is stuck in my head. If you haven't already checked the myspace get a taste of Dawn Richards (from Danity Kane) on some solo ish, called 'Release Me'

..."Hustle Now, Relax Later"

School just started Monday. I take an online class and an in house class with some early morning labs...sounds easy right?

Add on a full time day time job, and two 'by appointment' part time jobs [one up from last semester] it actually can get pretty hectic...more than I anticipated when I piled it all on. There's plenty of people who have a lot more to take on, but this is mine and its already seeming crazy after a few days. I'll get used to it - of course, just now its like..."OMG leave me alone already!!!!"

I got people I need to call or call back but I can't do it while at work because they're probably at work or class as well or its busy...same for when I'm in class. [..Probably explains why I became so fond of texting..] But I luv them tho, and its the thought that counts - right? Lol

Then I get home at like 11 with a whirlwind of things to do and not much time to do it since I must wake up again by 6 or 730 to start the day again ....blah to it all!

Yea, I'm bitching...so what. I'll just be happy when this becomes more routine than a run around and I'll get to have a life outside of work & school again. I also keep up with going to the gym atleast 2 or 3 times a week usually on M,W, & weekends.

This time next month I'll have this in the bag and I'll be back to roaming the streets and reeking havoc on all unsuspecting locations and individuals all while finishing my work :) I'm hoping I can maintain an A and make a deal to pass out of my class early like last semester...that would rule

...The hustle is crazy, but somebody's gotta do it. Can't make money sitting still...
-Ashley

...Who's Gonna Be My Best Friend?

Every individual has their own perception of what love is, how it 'should' go, and how it should end. Whether it be extremely fairy tale motivated or a big dark cloud of negativity.

I'm personally not really big on 'love' per say, not in a 'love hater' sense, but because it seems more like a mandatory commercialized thing rather than a genuine feeling. Hallmark and novelty stores make a KILLING of love. People stay throwing it around like trash and candy for manipulation purposes, you can't even decide if you believe them or not. Everyone is an 'expert' on it, but check how many times they've been married and 'in love'....doesn't add up.

Anyway, someone who had the same thought after years of experience was the late great Bernie Mac. Something he said in the Phila. Daily News outweighed every fairytale, ideal, and myth of love I ever heard and gave me the realistic outlook I want and agree with:

"You know, love don't mean nothing. Really. I'm not a fan of love. People fall in and out of love everyday. Let the lights go off and see how much they love you. Don't let anything be on that table at 5 and see how much she loves you. Let that car keep breaking down...and see how much she loves you. I really believe out of 27 years of being with my wife that we went through that transition that we like each other. And I think that's the most important thing. I TRULY like her. She's my friend, you know, and I wouldn't trade her for NOTHING in the world..."

...couldn't of said it any better. To me THAT right there is Love...
-Ashley

...Damn Beyonce Can't Catch A Break

According to one top economist, Beyonce Knowles is responsible for global recession. Here’s how it’s being reported in a UK newspaper:

Beyoncé's worldwide hit, Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It), is not just catchy – it may spell doom for international finance

According to findings by Phil Maymin, professor of finance and risk engineering at New York University, the more regular the beat on Billboard's top singles, the more volatile the American markets. After studying decades of Billboard's Hot 100 hits, Maymin found that songs with low "beat variance" had an inverse correlation with market turbulence. Which is to say, the more regular the song, the crazier the stock market

And Single Ladies is very regular.

"If it's a steady beat, the same beat, no matter if it's fast or slow, that's a low beat variance song," Maymin explained to PRI Radio. These are the songs that signal market volatility. "[But] if [the song] starts off slow and becomes fast and comes back down, that's a high beat variance." And it means the markets will be steady.

Some of history's steadiest hits – such as A-Ha's Take On Me – were released at times of market crash. Whereas complex songs, "with all these beat changes and stuff", seem to catch on when the markets are sedate.

"The correlation is pretty strong," Maymin argued. Weirder still, the beat variance of songs seems to predict the markets - not the other way around. According to his research, the market becomes unstable only after the charts are full of steady tunes - almost as if certain hits can cause market shake-ups.

Wow...Beyonce is the end of the world now?

...I Graduated High School Almost 5 Years Ago

......so why at work does it feel like I'm still there?

In an environment full of "adults," why do I feel like the only mature person. It would appear the only thing these people have on me are years and experience. But if this is the behavior rendered from that, they must not of experienced much and those years have been wasted.

What I was always taught is it was ALL about your work: your ethic, how efficiently and quickly you can finish a task, and your consistency in doing so.

Now jobs have morphed into popularity contests with no regard to anyones knowledge, but more so who's ass you can kiss, who has made the most friends and you gain recognition & status by those standards...kinda sorta like high school.

The cool kids would be upper management and back office while everyone else is just dying to join their club....pffft - please.

I don't get a job to make friends. I get a job because I have to. I need to make money, pay bills, make a life for myself and fit into society's mold for how life should go. If I so happen to find people who have similar interests or I can enjoy joking with while on the clock...cool. If I don't...cool, makes me no difference at all. And since this is just a JOB and not my CAREER...it makes it even less of an issue.

What makes a difference to me is being recognized for a job well done, living up to the expectations you place on others, fufilling the goals that were written agreements, and rightfully moving the proper people into higher positions...
Apparently, I've learned none of that goes on in the workplace.

The ones who do the least amount of work, and hardly have a clue about the job they have now but kiss up the most get all the support in the world, but the ones who focus and do their work, learn all they can about their position and execute it with precision everytime but have no desire to have a brown spot on their nose gets overlooked.

I hear some people say that sometimes its needed, but personally nothing is that great I'd lower myself to make you feel superior just because you got some gay ass title you made up.

With my experience with this one current job, it's slowly teaching me even more to not let people get to me...never let them sense they're getting to me - never let em see you sweat. I have a bad problem with my facial expressions which is a dead giveaway, I've gotten better at keeping my mouth shut when I have an attitude though.

By talking to my dad who is my guru to help me calm down he helped me realize, this isn't the last time this is going to come about, and everytime it does I just have to let it roll of my back. Take it as a sign that it wasn't meant for me to have and move on. Notice that the person they're pushing for a position who probably isn't as qualified will get themselves fired for not being able to handle the position and be able to say "I told you so."
To recognize that you won't elevate in this particular place because your destiny is greater than anything this place could ever offer.

I refuse to be this organizations victim - especially when iit isn't what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. I will not let them stress me out with their petty bullshit when I have enough on my plate. I'll continue to look out for my number one which is ME. What I will take from this place are a few life lessons that I will put into action for the better in my next endeavor.

You won't trip me up that easy. As the years pass shit happens and I'm truly gonna learn from it. I refuse to fail...and I will never, I will never, I will never FALL!!

...Fav. Song Of The Moment

I'm just up before I catch a little sleep then head off to the gym later
...jamming my ass off to some dusties [oldies for the slow people]
It's the music that always hits the spot and says exactly what you want to at the right moment

...a bonus track is included thanks to the youtube video called "I Think You Need Love"
But I'm grooving to the first one...
...Hmmm - You're Gonna Want Me Back...
-Ashley

...I Like Salt With My Crackers

Paul Mooney is the greatest. He says whatever the eff he wants and no matter what it's funny.
Bran is chilling having me on a Youtube kick with him after our snow adventure to SONIC!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pure awesomeness. Now watch this video then google Paul Mooney and update your life
-Ashley

...I Got High And Went To IHOP

It was munchie heaven last night with my best friend and we cleaned those plates man!!!!
But there was a dark cloud floating over it because we were just reassured Niggaz Ain't Shit!!!!!

Her off and on boyfriend of 5 years....I repeat 5 YEARS, up and tells her he's getting married....and they just hung out 2 days prior and been seeing each other and he was confessing his love for her the whole time! The next stab in the heart is, he's marrying some broad he's only known for a couple months....WTF man?!

It's the same sad song: She was there from the start when he first went to school and was parking cars, she was there during his evolution from big nigga that raps to the built man who teaches, they went through a lot together and always stuck through it and he throws that away like it meant nothing and she was just his starter bitch....now that's fucked up

...and then males have the nerve to say Females are crazy...when THEY are the reason we are!

Everything we do is wrong or not enough. We constantly have to compete against other broads because ya'll ALWAYS think the grass is greener on another side. It's like males are never satisfied even if the female they're with wants them so bad they bust they ass to do any and everything for them, puts up with all their bullshit, and accepts them for all they are yet never receiving the same treatment.

Apparently, from the trends I notice with friends and listening to guys talk and personal experience...all guys want to do is cap girls heads up then break their hearts for their own selfish reasons, leaving the girl who probably truly loved and cared for you crying for hours in the dark listening to depressing music.

Are males really that self-centered?
Did all the compliments ya momma told you really mess your head up to make you truly believe you're God's gift to the world?
I know not all, but most are giving all a bad name or the 'good ones' are turning into assholes as well.

THEN ya'll get mad if a girl does ya'll the same way, and we're called all kinds of bitches, hoes, ungrateful tricks..etc...Then say the whole thing was OUR fault.

Now I will NEVER say all females are poor innocent beings because yes we're just as brutal, sneaky, and vindictive as males, but do you have to treat all females like shit?

Why can't everybody just be completely HONEST?!...that's the magic word.
Why 'run game' when you can just get to know the person? Why cap a girls head up with stuff you don't mean? Why waste time on a girl you don't want but string her along for the hell of it?

Why can't we as humans realize we ALL have feelings, we're not merely objects of your entertainment. Life has turned into a giant game of lies, and revenge. Guys play games do girls wrong so Girls start playing games doing guys wrong and now we're seemingly stuck in some big ass retarted cycle that nobody can get out of....ugh

Wait, what's that line niggaz used to always say "...don't hate the player, hate the game"....No I just hate you - fuck outta here

...Standing Still Means Going Backwards

I joined a gym...kinda
My co-worker made a New Year's resolution that she was gonna lose 50lbs (not really but set high goals!).
A new gym just opened in the area and with the membership she got you can bring a guest for free as much as you want...and guess who's going for support :)

I don't even really wanna lose weight, cause I don't want to get all extra skinny - I just want to get toned, be in shape, and have a killer stomach. Maybe I can get myself back to the days when I ran track...that would rule - majorly

It could also help with my resolutions...oh wait, never said what they were:
***get out of my current comfort zone [[always gotta elevate!!]]
***get rid of prospects from '08 [[new year, new outlook, new men]]
***say yes more often [[never know what else I can get myself into if I say yes more often]]
***try to snap out of my 'nigga' phase [[it's gonna be a tough journey being girly & emotional again but I gotta get out of this extreme and find a middle ground]]
***quit smoking [[until I get a new job or maybe for good...we'll see how it goes]]
***continue saving money [[I'm either buying a house within the next yr or moving out of state again when I finish school]]

...that's all I can remember off top, just a bunch of goals to work on.

But anyway, to curb the smoking and release frustration- I can go work out and burn all the extra energy and some calories while I'm at it...sounds good right?

We went yesterday for like an hour n a half, and it was actually really refreshing. Yea it hurt alil while I was doing it and I know I'm sooo out of shape, but I was just proud of myself for being able to complete it without stopping.

We're going again today for 2 hours or so and we're gonna figure out a schedule so we go atleast 2 or 3 times during the week, in between the real world and Sixers games. I'm not allowed to quit or she'll kick my ass

I'm trying really hard to change myself for the better - for MYSELF and no one else. I evaluated myself and made this decision alone. I'm going to continuously give myself goals and work on things until I feel I've made a self-improvement & have accomplished things that helped me make my mark, be a great person & I feel could be proudly noted in my obituary...I know, that's kinda morbid - but it's something to think about.

Seriously...if you died today and someone wrote your obituary, what things do you think they would write? What impact do you think you had on their life that will be missed in your absence? What do you think they'd SAY about you during the service...shit who do you think will even show up?
...stuff to ponder on man

...I'm gonna attempt to stop slacking off at work now...
-Ashley

...Fav Song Of The Moment

I was watching 'The Game' on the CW awhile back. It was the episode when Derwin and Melanie like broke up for good the first time, I believe...and Derwin was a complete wreck.
As the show is ending and they begin to set us up for the dramatic ending with him being emotional, a song started to play in the background and I've been in love with it since - even when all I knew were the couple words I later found out to be the title....

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part...."
John Mayer...enjoy
-Ashley

...Fav Song Of The Moment

...sooo I'm late as hell, but I usually am when it comes to whole CD's [unless its an all time fav]. I'm JUST NOW listening to Ne-Yo's "Year of the Gentleman" and I now have a new song to love. My friend at work kept singing one part, so he just brought the CD in and played it and I haven't stopped listening to it atleast once a day...guess I can relate on both sides, the downer and the ''lifes too short to cry, lets go out" person. My song of the moment "So You Can Cry"...enjoy
-Ashley

...So I'm At Work Thinking

[My internet ban didn't get lifted, but like everything else I figured out how to do it from my phone and if need be I'll edit it later.]

Anyway, I had a random thought. While being nosey, I noticed one of my associates and her best friend playing but seriously talking of how she has NEVER met her boyfriend, and they've been dating for awhile, gone on trips, celebrated a couple NYE...all that.

I know from my own habits, I keep all things in their respective sections: Friends, Males, and Associates. None of them blend together unless I allow it or it's out of my hands.

Family automatically meets anyone I consider my friend. Males only come home or better yet find out where I live if they're in the friend category or I believe they're worth introducing, but they never meet my friends anytime before that or maybe even after...depends on how I feel or it plays out. Associates aren't important because they're more so "Hi/Bye...see you while I'm out" people so they get nothing.

Now I don't hang with many females but the ones I knew always flaunted they 'catch of the week' everywhere or atleast introduced them. Now it seems boyfriends being mystery men is a common practice? With the trends over the years, it could be very understandable if said female was a victim of fake friends, or an unnecessary break up because of the meddling of outside people and any spectrum of reasons that caused a problem. It could even be an inner thought of it being a jinx to introduce the person until you know for a fact they're someone you want/who will stick around.


My reasoning?....I don't trust anyone - period. I can count on one hand the people I call my friends & the non-family members that REALLY know where I lay my head at night. In order to get that far you gotta get through me and not many survive - so why go through all that trouble if they'll probably be gone by the next month or so? I also dont want people knowing about me and my whereabouts for everyones protection drawn from past experiences. I like to be off the radar as much as possible.

But just a thought, that just got me through my lunch period. Now I unfortunately must return to the site of my employment....
-Ashley

...Confessions Of A Commitmentphobe Part 2

The Confessions of a Commitmentphobe

The Battle between The Mind and The Heart

…I like him

I mean REALLY like him…

He even told me that he loved me and could see us getting married in the future

You know what? – I love him too

Wait?! – I love him?!!!

No, stop this madness right the fuck now

You can’t do this! We’ve been down this road one too many times and it never ends pretty.

Besides, if you admit you love him back, then you’ll be trapped for sure.

But he’s a nice guy. So far we’re doing well. We have our problems, but who doesn’t?

I believe this could be the one that sticks around. We get along great, we talk about any and everything, he’s just like me humor-wise, the sex is amazing, and I truly like being around him.

PFFT! Yea bitch for now! Give him another month after you admit your feelings – the beginning stages of psycho male will begin. Give him 6 months and that beast will be alive and well. Marry him? – Then you’ll just be psycho’s trophy piece while he bangs the secretary, his new female mechanic, YOUR hair stylist, and the first lady of the local church – and DARE you to speak of it or leave him because of that!

I can’t believe all men are the same though, that just heightens my paranoia…

Maybe being paranoid isn’t a bad thing. That just means you’re cautious…but right now you’re slipping.

You’re letting everything he says & beautiful imaginary plans for the future sound like gospel and forming him into your heaven on Earth. You need to snap out of it and float your happy ass back down to reality. Being in love clouds your judgment and we’re NOT going down this route without clear precise thoughts and actions. I’m making sure you look out for #1 which is you – not him. I bet you haven’t even though about what you’d have to change just to appease him since that subject probably hasn’t come up yet. You ain’t even noticed that your friends haven’t called in a week and a half and you blew off going to your Big Sister function for him and you don’t miss seeing those girls or your friends for ANYBODY.

That’s not his fault…

No, it’s yours for putting HIM before YOU. You already have a life and so should he. You should compliment each others lives, not change them – and that’s what starts the problems.

But we’re fine with how things are…

Are you really? So far it’s only been one thing & one week, soon it’ll turn into a year or more and all you’ll be left with is him and your job – if he doesn’t make you lose that too

It’s not even that drastic! You just went from being blindly in love to a prisoner in isolation with no means. Ok, I missed the function – he planned a surprise evening for us and after all that, I couldn’t just say no! I’m returning to the meetings this week FYI. You can’t judge this whole relationship on a few slip ups.

A few things become everything. It’s a snowball effect! Have you even been home lately? I think your dog is starving and dehydrated. Keep playing these games with our lives with you’re fucked up judgment and we’ll end up right back where we started: An emotionally drained wreck – all alone

2BContd...

...Very Young Girls

...was watching a docu/movie
We talk so much about the problems with people overseas, but we seem to either ignore or sugar coat them when they happen here. Underage girls disappear all the time, but when you can't find them who does?...
The one who picks them up and tells them everything they want to hear, and in exchange for the planned linguistics they sell their souls. Just scribbled while watching it to free my mind from my reality, and this was the on going theme I got from it...I'm off to smoke a blunt
Oh yeah, once this month is over - I quit smoking until I get another job...wish me luck
-Ashley

I can't do this...
But I love him
...No one understands
He found me when I had nothing, treated me like family...with love
For a moment I found happiness...now I'm tired of pleasing everyone else
I'm just not feeling it anymore
I wanna leave so bad - but I can't do that to him
I'm the one he's going to make a life with once we make this money it's all set!
but I'll never see it...
Soon as I make the money he takes it
...now I'm ready to run away
Be on my own for once
But he'll find me, he knows where I am without me speaking
Press charges? Please - I'll be dead within the hour
I gotta make a choice but I can't let my man down
You just don't see how he treats me at home...it's love
This ain't the life I need so I gotta escape somehow
I'll move far away, change my name start anew
Hope for the best and prepare for the worse
Shit, even if I leave I'll just fall into the same life
It's all I know - been that way since I was younger
...since he found me
With years in this game its hard to get out of you
I will change, trust and believe - I NEED to
But my home is with him, I'll regret it all he says
Am I brainwashed? I'm dazed and confused
How can what he say be right - when it ain't even true
I've gone to jail for this man and wouldn't even post my bail
Got my ass kicked by some stranger and told me to laugh it off
After all the money I've given him I shouldn't have to go through this!
We should be free to live the life promised me!!!
He loves me though, he tells me all the time
Besides he wouldn't keep me around if I wasn't number one in his life
Yea, he hit me but I brought it on myself
I shouldn't of questioned his judgement or his motives after all he's done for me
I'd be homeless, hungry or dead without him
but I'm soulless, starved for attention and dead to the world with him
my body is no longer mines and my emotions will never recover
I'm being mentally, physically, and emotionally abused constantly
...but i love him - you just dont understand
I'll leave him one day....

...Family Quality Time

I'm sitting here...TRYING to enjoy my Sunday chill time, when I'm bombarded with phone calls to pick people up, go to the grocery store and the news my 'wonderful' cousin and aunt were coming by. I'm now stuck right in between a drunk and disorderly and my rainbow loving ass cousin.
-serious face-

I'm like reporting live, because at this VERY moment, one is sitting right in my ear snoring his happy ass off:Miss Skittles

...While the other drunk ass is running around the house begging me to take her to Delaware:

Aunt Charlotte

...ugh.
I love my family but the New Year is NOT going to be filled with they asses messing up my comfort zone!
I have effin spoken
Indeed
-Ashley

...LisaRaye Don't Play

anything she does, she's getting paid - one way or another
...I think she's my hero...lol
-Ashley

...High Times Vol. 5

High Times
Vol. 6
1/2/2009

Today's Topic: True Beings...

While inhaling herb...I came to the revelation that...
It's so much easier to snag guys with girlfriends already than it is to bag a single one.
While hanging with the one who is "taken", it's already known that he has the girlfriend or he just doesn't want you - period
So you both are kinda free to just be yourselves...no pressure, no flirting...just basic fun chilling.
But then of course you then actually get to know each other and begin to realize or better yet HE begins to realize YOU'RE his type of person. You burp, fight, and all those good things that can get you both through a regular day of doing nothing.
You're exactly what he enjoys and soon he starts to question who he'd rather spend time with more...you or her...?
You're now the thrilling mystery that he'd spend hours trying to figure out as opposed to the same thing he's put up with for years...
I'm not saying start a home wrecking brigade...just noticed...
...things flow better when you're not wasting time trying to impress each other - that way your true beings can be seen...


If only things could work out that plain & simple
What the fuck....what the fuck...

Oh yeah - Happy New Year Bitches...